Diary of Daddy's Girl

IN WHICH SHE ANSWERS A QUESTION ABOUT WHY SHE IS A BABYGIRL

2012-01-06T13:41:00.009+11:00

I have been asked a question in a comment on a previous post and wanted to write an entry in response to it. But, because I am such a bad blogger (Bad Blogger! No biscuit!) it has taken me an age to get around to posting here again, and to answering the question posed to me. The comment was posted by beautifullyhuman in response to this post about myths surrounding the babygirl dynamic.

I would like to know why do you consider yourself a baby girl, instead of a little girl, or would you consider yourself an Adult child like? Sincerely, bh

By beautifullyhuman

When I talk about myself as a babygirl I do so with a very specific definition in mind. I’ve talked about my personal definitions of different lifestyle dynamics in this post. Basically, my idea of being a babygirl has nothing really to do with regression (although, I have gone through an hypnotic age regression process which I found amazing, but perhaps more about that in another post), with episodic events of childlike behaviours (some people refer to this as being little or letting their little come out to play) or with any sort of age-play.

To me, being a babygirl is about the very sacred and primal archetype of belonging. I deeply feel that need to belong and to make myself of use. It wasn’t until about 8 years ago that I started to realise that this feeling was pointing towards the fact that I am a babygirl.

I used to chat on Yahoo.com quite often. There was a room there called ‘Women Who Want To Be Dominated’, and I used to frequent it, not as a woman who wanted to be dominted, but as a woman who wanted to dominate. Things in that room became quite strange after a while, and in an attempt to get away from it and away from that entire mainstream D/s idea, I popped into a room called ‘Daddydoms and babygirls’.

While in this room I met a number of people who were extremely enjoyable to spend time with. One of these people was A, and he and I started speaking via private message. It was amazing to be able to speak to someone who understood the higher philosophical ideas behind dominance and submission, someone who understood that part of the role of a dominant was to actually submit to these ideals, and that a master was ultimately called to master himself. The conversation progressed to a discussion about the Daddy/babygirl dynamic and what it all meant. I had never encountered it before, and was already struggling with the idea that I might just not be a dominant at all. I could look back on my life and see a pattern of wanting to serve and please – even my dominance was motivated by serving the submissive’s pleasure – now I see that this wasn’t actually dominance. After thinking for a long time about the DD/bg dynamic, and taking time to work through the stigma around incest and child abuse that the concept naturally brings to mind, I worked out that I wanted a Daddy. But, even more than wanting a Daddy was the fact that I wanted to SERVE a Daddy.

I want to be found precious and useful. I want to be humbled and realise my place as being lower than the dirt on the ground at his feet. It isn’t about diapers and pacifiers, pouting and play for me. It is about knowing my right place, and worshipping my Daddy as my Lord and Master.

IN WHICH SHE SENDS GLITTERY LOVE TO HER SISTER

2011-06-06T20:59:00.004+10:00

Today I saw something that was at once heartbreaking and at the same time humbling and yet so inspiring.

I have joined a Fetlife.com group, a Facebook page and a Twitter group called BabygirlsUnlocked. It has been an amazing couple of weeks since discovering this group of babygirls from all ends of the globe. I have been speaking with them and listening to them and are becoming more and more inspired by them to live an exciting and beautiful life.

Today, one of the girls in the group asked a question about what a babygirl should do if she felt wrongfully disrespected by her Daddy. I was not online when the question was asked, and in a way I am glad that I wasn't.

My initial reaction was to post something along the lines of 'well, I am a slave as well as a babygirl, so for me I am not sure that I could be wrongfully disrespected by my Daddy/Master.' Instead of tritely answering with something like that, I read the almost 30 replies to her post. These replies were not from people who just threw their answers into the fray. They were on the most part not even answers - they were questions. The other babygirls in the group, her babygirl sisters, were asking her what had happened, how did she feel, if she was alright. There was an abundance of love and comfort shown to this babygirl by her sisters. It was inspiring to see it, and it has humbled me to a place where I want to begin taking notice of my response to people. I want to stop solving and start caring. And I will do that.

The reason that it was also heartbreaking is because this lovely and vibrant babygirl seems to have lost her Daddy and not because of anything that she did wrong. Also, from the little that I could tell from the messages that she posted, her Daddy seems to have acted very unfairly. Seeing that all of this happened made me feel so stabstabstabby, and it wasn't happening to me. The babygirl responded to all of her sorrow and pain in such a respectful and gracious way that it made me want to wrap her up in a blanket and make her cups of tea, to make a safe space for her to be able to grieve and be angry if she wanted, but mostly it made me want to talk with her more in the future, to learn more about her and to learn more from her.

You, my lovely girl... my gentle beautiful sister... you are inspiring and brilliant. Thank you for that.

IN WHICH SHE DISCUSSES SOME MYTHS ABOUT BEING A BABYGIRL

2011-05-30T12:48:00.004+10:00

I would like to thank Babygirlpoet from Fetlife for her thread that I have pinched and posted here... I have made changes so that the information reflects who I am.

· I don't want to fuck my relatives.

· I don't wear diapers, even though there is nothing wrong with that.

· I'm not a "little" or a "little girl, and I believe that these two things are very different from being a "babygirl". I don't regress to varying ages for a particular reason. My mentality is different from most. The way I live all times is different from most. I have a babygirl perspective on life and this is something that is in play for me on a 24/7 basis and not something I am able to actively control.

· I don't condone, engage in or eroticise sexual acts with minors.

· I'm not a fetish, my identity is fetishised. The fetishism of my identity is not something I enjoy. However, other babygirls might enjoy being fetishised, and there is nothing wrong with that.

· Being a babygirl does not mean that I am naive or innocent. The innocence that I do hold on to doesn't make me stupid or weak.

· I believe that a babygirl will submit to her Daddy, and this is especially true for me as I also identify as a slave. This does not mean that I will be subservient to everyone.

· Being a babygirl does not mean that I was molested as a child. It just so happens that I was, however this does not play into the dynamics or beliefs that I have about Daddy/babygirl at all.

IN WHICH SHE TALKS ABOUT REMEMBERING HER PLACE

2011-05-14T16:40:00.005+10:00

I was reading a post on Fetlife last week where the person posting was speaking of being forgetful and easily distracted when it came to answering calls from her Daddy. My response was to think of all the little things that I try to do to remember my place as a slave, and to remember that it is A that I wish I was serving.

I thought that I might write some of them down here. Perhaps someone, someday will find something I say helpful.

I try each morning, when I first wake up to remember how it felt to be in his bed when I stayed with him, to slip out of it quietly and softly step across his floor so as not to wake him, to get to the shower before him so that when he woke I was already showered, dressed and looking presentable.
When I smell coffee I remind myself how he likes his coffee beans ground for 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 seconds, how he likes it made with heaped spoonfuls of ground Italian Roast in his coffee maker, how I would present his cup on a table with the handle facing him so that he didn't have to turn the cup at all before he could drink.
As I paint my nails I do so while setting the specific purpose in my mind that every time I look down and see the colour that they are I will think of how beautiful it is to have the chance to be pleasing for him.
I set my watch 14 minutes fast to remind myself that he is in a timezone 14 hours behind where I am, and that even though I am geographically separated from him, my mind can still be aligned to his will.
I use a soap that reminds me a little of his aftershave and when I smell it on my skin I remember how blessed I truly am to have met him in person that first night, and for the time we have so far shared together, in person, on the phone and over the internet.
When I wear a belt (which isn't often, because I usually wear skirts and not pants) I pull it on really really tight and every time I feel conscious of it during the day I remember how amazing it is to have been held by him, wrapped in his arms and that I am loved.

But most helpful of all for me is that when I feel my mind slipping from being fixed on his pleasure and his will I find a quiet place, I get on my knees and press my face to the floor. I breath slowly and deeply and tell myself out loud that I am a worthless babycunt, that I was born to serve my Daddy and that I am nothing without him to serve. I am lower than the very ground and exist only to be pleasure and service for him. And I thank him for that.

IN WHICH SHE CONTEMPLATES COMPLACENCY AND TRIES TO SAY THAT FIVE TIMES FAST

2011-05-04T13:17:00.004+10:00

I have been spending a bit of time on Fetlife.com - oh, what a delight that has been. I am constantly surprised at not only the misunderstanding that people on the bullitin boards show, but also the lack of willingness to either learn or to examine their own ideas that they show.

I hope that I never become that complacent and stagnant in my understanding of D/s, and especially the Daddy/babygirl dynamic.

IN WHICH SHE PONDERS THE CHANGES SHE IS GOING THROUGH

2011-05-01T23:55:00.007+10:00

I am working on myself. With the help of A, I am becoming a more attentive person, a calmer person, someone who is more centered and less afraid and who is happier and excited about life.

A is interested and involved in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP). Google it, it is fascinating. When he was first speaking to me about it I had doubts. I was concerned that it was hokum. I was worried that it was some strange new-age rubbish. And I was confused as to how the wisest and most intelligent person I have ever known would fall for something so obviously rubbish. But, at the same time, because I know A, I trusted him. I knew that it was my understanding of the situation that was wrong... and it turned out that I was right. Not about the hokum, but about my misunderstanding.

NLP works.

I have seen over and over again in my life changes that I have been able to make with NLP. It has helped me find resources that I never realised were at my disposal. It has almost cured me of a phobia that I have suffered with ever since being a child. It has helped me find that sense of wonder and excitement that I knew when I was young. It has taught me how to sleep. It has helped me be less anxious and less depressed. It has taught me to be amazing!

I am becoming a different person. And I really really like the person that I am becoming. It has been a long long time since I liked the person that I am.

I can't even communicate how thankful I am to the people who created and have worked on NLP.

And to the amazing man who realised its truth and showed it to me.

Thank you, A. Once again you have saved me in ways that you will possibly never know.

IN WHICH SHE ADMITS THAT SHE HASN'T BEEN HERE IN SUCH AN AWFULLY LONG TIME

2011-04-26T22:46:00.006+10:00

I am a bad blogger.

I love using this blog and talking about my feelings about A here, but for some strange reason I procrastinate and never actually write. Well, here is another empty promise to change that and to write more often.

Anyways, a catch up to what has been happening lately - I have been able to spend a lot of wonderful time with A thanks to Skype and more importantly thanks to his graciousness in allowing me into his presence. He is an amazing man.

I didn't think that I could come to love him anymore than I did, but apparently I was wrong because I am becoming quite obsessed with thinking about him and having my mind set on what his will is. I love the feeling that I am being guided by what his will might be in situations. I love the feeling that he is with me throughout my day. What I don't love is the feeling that he isn't with me in person.

T and I have talked a little about moving to the USA so that I can be closer to A. I really don't want to live in the US, and I love living in Australia and will miss it terribly. However, the thought that I am this far away from him pains me so much that at times I can't stand it... and the idea that I am literally wasting years that we could be spending together is intolerable to me. I have known and loved A for almost 7 years now and in that time I have spent less than a month actually in his presence.

When I was talking to him on Saturday he made a joke about me telling people that 'my Daddy' had told me something, and my heart skipped when I heard him call himself my Daddy. I asked him about it (because I can never leave anything alone), and he explained that he had been joking and said that I was being unfair by pointing it out in the way that I was doing. He is right, it was terribly unfair of me.

But I wanted so desperately for him to say that he had said it because he thinks about me as being his babygirl.

IN WHICH SHE IS ALLOWED TO SHOW INTELLIGENCE IN NEW AREAS

2009-12-01T03:45:00.003+11:00

I am back from the USA. Back from Connecticut, and back from my visit with A.

It was both wonderful and confusing at the same time. And disappointing. Let me start backwards.

T and I arrived in the USA and straight away started coughing and sneezing with what we thought was just bad colds. However we were aware that having just spent 30-odd hours on public transport and traversing half of the globe, that there was a possibility that it could be the influenza H1N1 strain. So, on the day that I was meant to go and begin my visit I lay coughing and gagging (not in a fun way) on the wrong bed in the wrong state, speaking to him on the phone and trying to explain that I didn’t think I was well enough to visit.

The message that he received was that I didn’t want to visit and was unsure of our relationship after our last in depth conversation about Queer issues and his thoughts on Homosexuality and Lesbianism. It took much convincing to assure him that this wasn’t the case. Although at one point he asked me how I felt about him now that he had told me his thoughts, and I do have to admit that every time I think about it I feel angry with him. Even now.

After about three days of coughing, gagging, and phone calls (again… none of these were of the fun sort), we decided that I was well enough to come and visit. So he came to pick me up at T’s house. T and her mother had gone to visit other members of the family, so this time I was allowed to be alone when he picked me up. It was wonderful. There were long, bone-squeezing hugs and lots of smiling, and yet something was missing. I don’t know if it was because I had been ill and he was being careful, but it felt like that *click* that had been in place the first time we spent time together was missing.

We spent the bulk of time at his house. There was a little bit of gentle play, with him laying next to me and talking me to an orgasm – he did that twice, and it was wonderful, but it still felt like there was a barrier between us. There had been no smooches at all, because I had an awful cough, and perhaps that is what I keep feeling was missing. We watched a great deal of television together, which included snuggling up with him on the sofa. We ate out a couple of times – just visiting diners, which I love (we don’t have them here), but he told me on the last night that he wished we’d been able to go somewhere nice. I wish that as well, because it would have given me a chance to dress up for him.

After he dropped me back at T’s – for her birthday and Halloween, and TH’s visit, I was able to meet him again in the city. We (A, T, TH and I) went to the Guggenheim to see the Kandinsky exhibit. Things were a little awkward at first, TH was in a strange mood the entire time that he was in NY with T and I, but in the end I decided that I was just going to relax and enjoy the day. It was amazing. I finally was able to see some of the artworks that I’ve worshipped for years, and was able to share them with the person that I’ve worshipped for years. There were fun moments where we would be talking about Kandinsky’s work and then turn on the taped exhibition guide to hear her say the same things that I had just pointed out to A. I enjoyed being able to show him that I was intelligent in a new way.

At the end of the day we went to Build-A-Bear, which has become somewhat of a tradition, if you can call something that has happened two out of two occasions a tradition. And then the four of us went out to dinner.

We said good-bye at Grand Central Station, and it felt as though there should have been some sort of melancholy piano soundtrack in the background. I hugged him tightly and he gave me a quick kiss (T and TH decided not to make themselves scarce at this point, and things were feeling awkward again), and then he was off to catch his train. It was hard not to follow him and to catch the Q back to Brooklyn.

I called him to make sure that he got home alright, and he said that it felt strange not having me in his house.

It feels strange not being there.

IN WHICH SHE IS NERVOUS AND PONDERS THE PLURAL FORM OF UTERUS

2009-10-09T04:20:00.006+11:00

I'm more than a little nervous about things at the moment.

T and I are going to the US to visit her family for 3 weeks. She saw her mother when she visited us here last year, but other than that it has been 3 years since she has seen her sisters or her wider family, and they are all very close.

While she is going to go and visit her sisters, I am going to go and visit A.

That is why I'm nervous. Terribly nervous.

I have met him in person before. I can't remember whether I have mention this in previous posts, and honestly, seeing as it is almost 5am and I am still awake I really can't be bothered going and looking to see if I have. Bad blogger. No biscuit.

I stayed with him for about 10 days. It was wonderful. And frustrating. It has been a LONG time since I wanted to be fucked that badly. And I didn't get fucked. There was one amazing session of spanking and paddling. There was a lot of cuddling and smooches. There was almost an argument. There was an embarrassingly snarky comment made by me at one stage, which I am ashamed that I made and I totally acknowledge that it was me throwing a bit of a snit because I wanted something that I wasn't getting. Not very submissive, I know.

Anyways, things have changed between us since I saw him last. Not the least of these changes being the plan to come back from the US with a tiny little zygote in at least one of our uteruses. Uterii? What is the plural of 'uterus'?

So, I don't know how things are going to go when I spend time with him. I have asked, and he says mysterious things that fill me with dread and excitement. He says that he has plans for me and makes me imagine being bound and gagged, beaten and fucked.

Honestly, I don't know if I want that. I'm scared of what happens when that appetite is woken up again. I'm comfortable with my chastity and am finally enjoying it. And I know that it will be a hard thing to go back to after being used by him.

IN WHICH SHE THINKS ABOUT SUBMISSION AND SURRENDER

2009-05-20T17:33:00.002+10:00

Lately I have found that I bristle at the words 'submissive' and 'submission'. I think the reason they get to me is because I find them totally inadequate to describe the process that I am going through as a slave. 'Surrender' is a beautiful word. It holds the idea of following one's Master so completely that there isn't a thought about following his direction. His will and one's action follow as effortlessly as a breath in and a breath out. The fact that he wills something almost in itself creates one's obedience because you only have to know what he wants for you to obey. 'Submission' holds the implication that one thought about whether or not she should follow a command and that there was some possibility, however small, of it not being followed. It implies that there was a choice on one's part as to whether or not she would obey. It is the breath taken in with the idea that it might never be released.

IN WHICH SHE EXPLAINS THE WAY SHE SEES IT

2009-05-19T16:11:00.002+10:00

Cross-posted from a Fetlife Group...

I know how annoying labels and definitions are, but after railing against them for years I have discovered that they can actually be helpful because it means that everybody is on the same page when discussion things.

I'm not suggesting that we adopt definitions for terms for this group, but after posting in more than a couple of threads and being told things like 'that isn't what a babygirl is!' I thought that I might take the time to explain MY definitions of certain labels used in the BDSM and D/s realm.

Once again, to make things clear... these are my definitions and I am not proposing that they be held by the group.

BDSM - Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. I don't agree that the DS in the center of the acronym stands for Dominant and submissive as well as sadism and masochism.

T/b - Top and bottom. I believe that this is a relationship that is based on kink play alone. There is no aspect of Dominance and submission outside of the scene. I don't think that this makes a Top and bottom any 'less' than a D/s or M/s scenario, it just makes it different. And there is nothing wrong with knowing exactly what you want and going after that with someone compatible. The drama starts when people who are T/b feel like they have to be more to be accepted into the kink society. I believe that it is a good thing for both a Top and bottom to have soft limits, hard limits and safe-words, all of which to have been explained to the other party before any sort of interaction takes place.

D/s - Dominance and submission. I believe that the Dominant actually holds a position over the submissive and that she is not 'his equal who just has a different job.' I believe that the submissive begs the Dominant for the opportunity to submit to him, and that being a submissive she has the rights afforded to any human being - including the right to disagree or to say 'no', although I can't imagine that someone truly interested in submitting would use that word easily and would first have put all of her effort and energy into finding out how to turn it into a 'yes'. I believe that it is fair for a submissive to have a few limits, but that she should be prepared for these to be stretched and possibly broken by her Dominant. Some submissives like the feeling of safety that a safe-word provides, personally I think that the Dominant should know his submissive well enough to not need one.

M/s - Master and slave. I believe that this is the next step deeper into the lifestyle. Once again, M/s isn't better than D/s or T/b, it is just different. I believe that a Master needs a certain amount of training and mentoring to build an understanding of the true tenants of D/s and the self-discipline to be able to follow and honour these. I believe that a true Master does submit, he submits to the ideal of D/s and does so with an open and vulnerable heart ready to be taught. I believe that his slave has no rights aside from those gracefully handed her by her Master, that she doesn't have the rights afforded to a human being because she is no longer one now that she has become a slave. I believe that she becomes property and like any sort of property it is up to the owner as to whether she will be cherished and used well or misused, broken and thrown away. I believe that this is the danger of being a slave and that if more people understood this there would be a lot fewer with the word 'slave' marked on their profile. I believe that it is the Master's prerogative to keep his slave in whatever way he sees fit, whether it is tied to the bedpost and sleeping on a cold hardwood floor, or being allowed to curl up by his feet on a cushion while he reads. And I believe that she has no place to complain and no place to deny him anything. I do not believe that a slave should have any limits set other than those given her by her Master.

Now, this is where things get controversial...

DD/bg - DaddyDom and babygirl. I believe that DaddyDom and babygirl is a sacred archetype that exists in the kink world. I think that it is primal and dates back to a prehistoric era where when a female was born into a family group she would have to endear herself to the Father in that group in order to receive the care and protection that she needed. Male children were useful, they would grow up to be hunters and protectors, female children were another mouth to feed, and all that they would grow up to be is another womb to fill - and it has long since been recognised by science that there is a primal push for the male of the species to propagate as much of his seed as possible, so as she became of age there was another belly to fill with the child of the groups lead figure (the Father) and the child had been trying to endear herself to him so that she would receive protection and food when it was scarce.

I believe that the Daddydom offers safety to his babygirl in a way that Dominants and Masters do not - that he offers her the room to be herself, to be that babygirl without fear of reprise. This is not to say that he offers her space to be a brat, and bratting is something that is entirely different. A Daddy offers interest when his girl shows him a picture that she has drawn and a lap to curl up into when she is sleepy and just wants to be held. He offers her the opportunity to discover and enjoy a childhood that she may not have never experienced. I also believe that being a babygirl is a highly submissive role.

The other aspect to DD/bg to consider is that while it is something we act out (I do not condone incest or sexual contact with underage people), in the archetype of the relationship a bg was truly owned by her Daddy - to such an extent that not only was she born for him, but she was born from him - she truly belongs to him.

D/lg - Daddy and little girl. This is where a lot of the issues within the misunderstandings of my posts have lain over the last couple of days. There is avast difference between a DaddyDom/babygirl relationship and a Daddy/little girl. D/lg is more a level of play that is directed by the little girl. There have been posts in response to things that I've said on threads here that have pointed out to me that just because someone is a little girl it doesn't mean that she is a submissive - and I totally agree (although, I would go as far as pointing out that these posts talking about little girls and whether they were submissive were posted in the DaddyDom and babygirl group on Fetlife.com.)

As far as I can see, the D/lg dynamic has a large brattiness factor to it, it involves the pouting and stamping of feet when she doesn't get her way, the begging and playing nicely to Daddy so that he will give into what she wants and other 'Princess' like behaviours. I am not condemning this dynamic, if this is what does it for you, and you have found a partner that shares your fantasies and preferences then more power to you. However, I do ask that you remember that you are a little girl, and not a babygirl... and I will show the same respect by remembering that I am a babygirl and not a little girl.

I think that safe words are a good thing to have in a D/lg scenario, and that hard and soft limits should be set, and I have found when talking to little girls that it tends to be them who set the limits and the Daddies who follow them.

There was SO much more that I wanted to write about... like my ideas on the definitions of discipline and my views on submission 'as a gift'... perhaps at another time in another thread.

If anyone has actually sat down and read through all of my ramblings - thank you.

IN WHICH SHE THINKS

2009-05-13T05:13:00.001+10:00

I think that it is an amazing thing to be able to know in yourself that nothing other than your Master's will is important. The ability to not only serve through action, but to be right-minded. To be totally content to wait upon his pleasure.I've been thinking about humility as well, and working through what it is in real terms.

I think that the idea of a submissive being worthless.. of making no claims on herself or her own time is vital. And it is through this knowledge that she is worthless, that she is nothing.. that she becomes precious to him. Not because she deserves it or has earnt it, but because he wishes to hold her precious. It is simply his choosing to find pleasure in her that gives her the worth that she has.

In the same way that money is just paper and ink until we subscribe a worth to it, a submissive is worthless until she is found precious by her Master choosing to take pleasure in her. And in that she achieves the reason for her existence... she is of service to him... because he has chosen for it to be like this, not because she has done anything.

I have no precious time at all to spend, Nor services to do, till you require.

IN WHICH SHE DISCOVERS HER LAUGH

2009-05-13T00:24:00.006+10:00

He speaks to me

in words and silences

that take me places

I have never imagined.

Places where I am happy

and carefree. Places where

I respond to his words

without thought and without need.

Places where there is nothing

but his will.

His will and my obedience,

and my obedience is pleasure.

He teaches me the lessons he wants me to learn and I learn them well.

IN WHICH EASTER BREAKS AND D/s IS SIGHTED

2009-04-27T23:05:00.005+10:00

I explained to the two gentlemen that I had been speaking with that my heart, and my submission already belonged to someone else. I also had an intense few days with T over the Easter break... ha. Easter BREAK, where I explained to her how things felt to me. I don't know what is going to happen there. I don't really know what was decided. I honestly don't think that there was a decision made.

Things are difficult with T because we can't just go our seperate ways and let ourselves grieve. We have a puppy who has a really bad heart problem and if she goes through the stress of pining for any of the other animals then it will kill her. So we need to stay in the same place because of Mollie. It is hard to grieve for the loss of a lover when you are lying curled in bed next to her.

Anyways, this is not what this entry was going to be about. This is...

I am not really searching for a dominant. I believe in searching for self-discipline, knowledge and self-awareness. I think that this is a way to honour and serve the dominant who will (hopefully) one day take possession of me. I think it is possible to serve someone in this way, even though you may not have yet met who that person is going to be.. if this makes sense?

I believe that there is a lack of depth to be found in abundance (is a lack of abundance a possibility?) on D/s sites. This is something that exists as much with the dominants as with the submissives. I believe in honouring a higher ideal behind D/s.. almost a philosophy of service, and it is hard to do that when you are collared or otherwise attached to someone who is only wanting a toy to play with and has no vision for leading the relationship. A lot of dominants believe that there is little else to being in a D/s relationship than getting their kinks met... and a lot of submissives believe that the only way to serve someone is through meeting their kinks. I believe in true service.. in being the personification of my Master's Will and meeting his needs. All of them.

IN WHICH THINGS ARE INCREASINGLY COMPLICATED

2009-03-30T10:03:00.004+11:00

I need to be more active in updating my journals. I know this, and I want to do this, but it is difficult to write about something that I don't have.

I have been talking to two lovely gentlemen online over the last two weeks. But it isn't going to work. Each time one of them pushes a little, gives a little direction, asks for me to bend slightly to his will my immediate response is a feeling of cheating.

I am still caught by someone else. I was stupid to think that I had escaped just because I was able to distract myself for a little while.

Oh boy, things are complicated.

IN WHICH SHE STEPS INTO VIEW

2009-01-30T19:22:00.006+11:00

Let me start off by saying that I can now be a lot more open and vulnerable with my writing because my entries aren’t being proof-read by J anymore. He didn’t like me sharing intimate details, which I found difficult to do because I don’t really keep these blogs for an audience, I keep them to sort out my thoughts and feelings. I like being able to be totally honest here

So, now that J is more or less out of the picture, there was, of course, the ‘still be friends’ discussion, but I can’t really see that happening… I thought perhaps some back ground might be a little helpful.

Who Am I?

I know all about labels and their inaccuracy, and I don’t get caught up in them, but I find that they do give people a starting point when they are trying to get to know you.

I’m a 35 years old woman who identifies herself as being queer, and has for as long as she knew what the definition of queer was.

I call myself a lesbian, dyke, queer, and various other things but at times I find myself wondering about the accuracy of my self view.

I spent a long time on the Dominant side of the BDSM fence, and now find myself well put on the submissive side, so much so that I find I have a lot of slave like tendencies rather than submissive ones. I am very interested in the Daddydom/babygirl aspect of the lifestyle, I know that comes as a shocking surprise when you consider the title of my blog and my ID.

I am in a long term, but open (within certain boundaries) relationship with a bisexual woman who is two years my younger, sexy, intelligent, humorous and occasionally so frustrating that I could spank the arse off her. And have done. We rent a lovely house in regional NSW and share it with our 2 dogs, 3 cats and 3 ferrets. All we need is one more dog and one more lesbian and we’d have balanced numbers.

I paint, write, draw and am slowly learning to enjoy gardening. Our house has fruit trees in the back yard and I have discovered there is an amazing difference between the taste of freshly picked and sun warm fruit and what you can buy in the supermarket.

I am pierced, inked, shaved and dyed; and as someone at work keenly observed, I am trying to look different.

I work as a nurse, which I enjoy immensely except when you bring hospital and Area Health Service politics into the picture. Occasionally I get fed up with nursing and state that I wish I was a florist, but I don’t really. Really I wish I was a musician. Or an author. Or a stay-at-home mother. Perhaps a pilot. It depends on what day it is.

I am addicted and addictive.

A devout heretic and deliciously destructive.

I am the most truthful liar that you will ever meet.

Now watch as I get to be myself again.

IN WHICH THERE IS AN EARLY CLOSURE TO A SHORT AFFAIR

2009-01-02T10:06:00.004+11:00

I know that I am frustrating at times. I know that I can be hard to understand. But I also would have thought that by telling somebody that I wasn't comfortable with sex that person might understand it meant more than being uncomfortable with just 'penis-in-vagina' sex.

I would have thought that he, more than anyone, would at least try to understand what it all meant. But he didn't even ask about it. I brought the topic up multiple times, trying to be defferential to what he wanted to speak about and being careful that I didn't seem like I was trying to 'top' in any way. However, in the end I had to say something, I had to tell him that I didn't think that it was going to work and that I didn't want to be a waste of his time or energy.

I don't have a Daddy anymore.

On the positive side of the coin, though... I still have a friend (who shall now be known as J). He and T are still getting their 'kink' on. And we saved a gorgeous dog from being put down.

IN WHICH THINGS BECOME A LITTLE BIT SCARY

2008-12-15T22:52:00.005+11:00

It is getting close to the time when Daddy will come to visit for the first time. Well, that is not entirely true. It will be the first time that he will come to visit as my Daddy. To quote Debi from Grosse Point Blank, "What is this I'm feeling? Is it pain? Panic? Hunger? Am I hungry? Who's hungry?" I'm still trying to work out what the answer to all of those would be. I know that I'm feeling nervous, but I wouldn't say that it is panic. Pain? Not yet, but hopefully when Daddy visits there will be. Hungry? Very very.

I'm most nervous about being able to please him. I have mentioned this on a few occasions to him and he is reassuring and tells me that he is certain that he will be pleased. He tells me that the only thing I have to concentrate on is doing what he tells me. I need to let myself remember that - all I have to do is what Daddy tells me, and Daddy will take care of everything else. Daddy will take care of everything. Daddy will take care of me.

I think that the plan is for him to come to visit before Christmas and on a day that T is working, so that we can spend the day together and then the three of us can send the evening together once T arrives home. Daddy with his two girls.

Today is the 15th of December. Tomorrow I am working. The 20th and 21st are a weekend. T and I are leaving to visit family on Christmas Eve. This leaves 5 days for him to visit. And it is going to possibly happen at some stage in the next 10 days.

Oh my.

And there's the panic.

IN WHICH MS BETTIE PAGE IS FAREWELLED

2008-12-12T23:50:00.004+11:00

From In Memoriam A.H.H

One writes, that 'Other friends remain,'

That 'Loss is common to the race' —

And common is the commonplace,

And vacant chaff well meant for grain.

That loss is common would not make

My own less bitter, rather more:

Too common! Never morning wore

To evening, but some heart did break.

VI, st. 1-2
Alfred Tennyson

IN WHICH THINGS ARE GOING WONDERFULLY

2008-12-09T22:12:00.007+11:00

Daddy has been taking control of me in more and more ways each day. It started with small requests and little expectations, like sending him an email before 10am each day or wearing no panties while I am at home. The requests became commands, being told to ask for permission before masturbating and not being permitted to wear clothes whilst inside my house. Those commands are now growing into something more. It is becoming second nature for me not only to follow directions that I have been given, but also to seek out his direction in things.

I am enjoying this new level of my submission to him, and I am waiting for it to grow deeper. I am waiting for it to become a natural un-thought of state to consider Daddy’s will in each situation, for my first instinct not to be one of self-preservation like every other being on the planet, but for it to be instinctual to consider his pleasure and his will first of all things.

Daddy tells me the things that he wishes of me each day. He has taken control of our household’s finances and decides with T on what our budget will be. He gives me tasks to fulfill and activities to report upon. He tells us when to go to bed. And I long for him to take even more control over my life like the greedy whore that I am.

IN WHICH DADDY'S GIRL FEELS DISHONEST

2008-11-26T23:02:00.005+11:00

I felt dishonest.

There was nothing intimate between A and I, although there had been a long while ago. We were close friends and had discussed things thoroughly, with us both deciding that there was no option for us to be anything more than friends. However, for some reason I still felt as though I was lying by omission having not told A about Daddy.

I explained this to Daddy and told him that I didn’t feel that I could really call him my Daddy honestly until I had talked to A about it all.

His answer was to tell me that he understood.

I really wasn’t expecting that.

IN WHICH DADDY'S BELT IS MENTIONED

2008-11-23T21:32:00.004+11:00

The discussion started normally enough with him asking for a report on my exam and what plans I had for the rest of the week. But before I had noticed he was telling me that it would please him if I were to beg to be hurt the next time we met. I was taken aback and more than a little nervous. It wasn’t the first time that we would be meeting, but it was the first time since the dynamic of our friendship had begun to change and I still didn’t know where those changes left me.

We spoke about his belt and the way that he would like to use it.

“Does this mean that you would prefer for me to call you Daddy…?”

“Yes, I think that we have crossed to that, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

And it felt like I could finally let go a breath that I didn’t realize I had been holding.

IN WHICH THE FIRST STEPS ARE TAKEN

2008-11-23T18:12:00.005+11:00

An MSN text box lit up on my screen and the conversation started. We chatted about how my day had been. I had visited the hospital for some blood tests, having recently been diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. It is funny how something like that can change a situation that it has nothing to do with.

“Best let me know what the results are” was all that he said, and that was the beginning of everything. We both understood what that moment signaled.

“Sure.”

“Good girl.”

And with those few words the power balance began to shift. Finally.

IN WHICH THE IDEA IS RAISED

2008-11-23T17:25:00.007+11:00

I have met my Daddy.

T has known him for a long while and I have been watching on as they built and maintained a trusting and functional Dominant and submissive relationship. Sometimes watching with jealousy, and sometimes with desire… but always watching and even worse than that, always wishing.

After visiting the new addition to our family at the end of October, T and I were on the train back home.

“When he said that he would spank you, he wasn’t meaning in a casual way.” She said, starting the conversation out of the blue. I immediately knew who, what, where and when she was talking about.

He had come to visit a couple of days earlier to gift T with Birthday Spankings, after which he jokingly called out “Next?!” as he returned to the lounge-room where I had sat listening to all of the delicious abuse that T was being subjected to. I laughed and immediately regretted not dropping my pink cotton panties right then and there for him.

“I know that he didn’t mean a casual spanking… but…” But? But what? Isn’t this what I wanted? Isn’t this what I had been waiting for, wishing that it would happen for me?

A long discussion followed about what I wanted, what he wanted, what T wanted and how we would all go about getting it. It was decided that he and I needed to talk. But who would initiate the conversation?

As a slave I don’t think that it is within my place to initiate a conversation with a Dominant, especially a conversation that is being started with a particular motivation in mind. I believe that to do this is to try and enforce my will onto that Dominant. This is something that you can step around when you are looking at a conversation with a Dominant who you are not involved with, but when it is your Master (or someone who is showing some form of interest in you) then you need to be careful that you don’t set up the wrong pathways of behaviour from word go. I couldn’t message him as ‘just a friend’ as T suggested, because to do so would be lying to myself. So I waited. I realized that I hadn’t emailed him to thank him for the day spent with us on T’s birthday, so I did that, and he emailed back. But the email was a quick response from him that didn’t seem like it was inviting further conversation. Once again, I waited. I tried to remind myself that I was waiting on his pleasure, but it was hard to be patient.