Tuesday, September 11, 2012
I'm not talking about the "I want you to take this gun and shoot that person" scenario that is so often the rhetoric of those who are opposed to (or who don't understand..) the ideas behind TPE. I'm thinking about a real situation when you have been told to do something that is going to have negative consequences for not only yourself, but for your master and for the relationship between the two of you.
I used to think that I knew the answer to this question - I mean, it was easy... the relationship dynamic is based on trust and surrender on the part of the slave. This means that even though I might not be able to see the reasoning behind a decision, I have to know that my master has the goal in mind and I have to follow.
I just have to have faith and surrender.
What I didn't really consider is that there might be times when he simply makes a poor decision about how to get to that goal, and as a consequence of that decision things fall apart.
How should I behave when I can see what the result of a decision is going to be, and I can see that its going to be bad?
I think that until now I only knew half of the answer. Yes - this dynamic is about trust and surrender... but the aspect that I was missing is that it is also about the acceptance of consequences.
So, I have faith and I surrender.
And when things fall apart because I have obeyed his will, which is the good, right and true thing for a slave to do, I will accept the consequences of my obedience.
Sometimes the consequences are hearing the words "good girl." And sometimes the consequences are that things just fall apart.
If things break, it doesn't necessarily mean that I failed.. sometimes things just break.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Now I find myself in a strange position where the thought of surrendering that control really is quite terrifying.
If I hand over my hard won self-control to a dominant, then everything about me could fall to pieces in a heartbeat, meaning that I would no longer have the ability to serve. If I didn't have the ability to serve my dominant, then not only have I failed in what I'm trying to do for him, but I wouldn't be useful at all. If I don't have a purpose and I can't serve and be useful, then why would my dominant want to own me? And if my dominant didn't want to own me, then that leaves me in a precarious position where I have no control over myself because I've surrendered it, and no dominant to lend me focus and structure, to give me purpose, to find me useful. It would leave me having given up control over myself, looking to where he is standing for some sort of focus and finding that he has left.
So, I suppose the question stands... how do you surrender all control to someone without falling apart?
Friday, January 6, 2012
I have been asked a question in a comment on a previous post and wanted to write an entry in response to it. But, because I am such a bad blogger (Bad Blogger! No biscuit!) it has taken me an age to get around to posting here again, and to answering the question posed to me. The comment was posted by beautifullyhuman in response to this post about myths surrounding the babygirl dynamic.
I would like to know why do you consider yourself a baby girl, instead of a little girl, or would you consider yourself an Adult child like? Sincerely, bh
When I talk about myself as a babygirl I do so with a very specific definition in mind. I’ve talked about my personal definitions of different lifestyle dynamics in this post. Basically, my idea of being a babygirl has nothing really to do with regression (although, I have gone through an hypnotic age regression process which I found amazing, but perhaps more about that in another post), with episodic events of childlike behaviours (some people refer to this as being little or letting their little come out to play) or with any sort of age-play.
To me, being a babygirl is about the very sacred and primal archetype of belonging. I deeply feel that need to belong and to make myself of use. It wasn’t until about 8 years ago that I started to realise that this feeling was pointing towards the fact that I am a babygirl.
I used to chat on Yahoo.com quite often. There was a room there called ‘Women Who Want To Be Dominated’, and I used to frequent it, not as a woman who wanted to be dominted, but as a woman who wanted to dominate. Things in that room became quite strange after a while, and in an attempt to get away from it and away from that entire mainstream D/s idea, I popped into a room called ‘Daddydoms and babygirls’.
While in this room I met a number of people who were extremely enjoyable to spend time with. One of these people was A, and he and I started speaking via private message. It was amazing to be able to speak to someone who understood the higher philosophical ideas behind dominance and submission, someone who understood that part of the role of a dominant was to actually submit to these ideals, and that a master was ultimately called to master himself. The conversation progressed to a discussion about the Daddy/babygirl dynamic and what it all meant. I had never encountered it before, and was already struggling with the idea that I might just not be a dominant at all. I could look back on my life and see a pattern of wanting to serve and please – even my dominance was motivated by serving the submissive’s pleasure – now I see that this wasn’t actually dominance. After thinking for a long time about the DD/bg dynamic, and taking time to work through the stigma around incest and child abuse that the concept naturally brings to mind, I worked out that I wanted a Daddy. But, even more than wanting a Daddy was the fact that I wanted to SERVE a Daddy.
I want to be found precious and useful. I want to be humbled and realise my place as being lower than the dirt on the ground at his feet. It isn’t about diapers and pacifiers, pouting and play for me. It is about knowing my right place, and worshipping my Daddy as my Lord and Master.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I was reading a post on Fetlife last week where the person posting was speaking of being forgetful and easily distracted when it came to answering calls from her Daddy. My response was to think of all the little things that I try to do to remember my place as a slave, and to remember that it is A that I wish I was serving.
- I try each morning, when I first wake up to remember how it felt to be in his bed when I stayed with him, to slip out of it quietly and softly step across his floor so as not to wake him, to get to the shower before him so that when he woke I was already showered, dressed and looking presentable.
- When I smell coffee I remind myself how he likes his coffee beans ground for 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 seconds, how he likes it made with heaped spoonfuls of ground Italian Roast in his coffee maker, how I would present his cup on a table with the handle facing him so that he didn't have to turn the cup at all before he could drink.
- As I paint my nails I do so while setting the specific purpose in my mind that every time I look down and see the colour that they are I will think of how beautiful it is to have the chance to be pleasing for him.
- I set my watch 14 minutes fast to remind myself that he is in a timezone 14 hours behind where I am, and that even though I am geographically separated from him, my mind can still be aligned to his will.
- I use a soap that reminds me a little of his aftershave and when I smell it on my skin I remember how blessed I truly am to have met him in person that first night, and for the time we have so far shared together, in person, on the phone and over the internet.
- When I wear a belt (which isn't often, because I usually wear skirts and not pants) I pull it on really really tight and every time I feel conscious of it during the day I remember how amazing it is to have been held by him, wrapped in his arms and that I am loved.
- But most helpful of all for me is that when I feel my mind slipping from being fixed on his pleasure and his will I find a quiet place, I get on my knees and press my face to the floor. I breath slowly and deeply and tell myself out loud that I am a worthless babycunt, that I was born to serve my Daddy and that I am nothing without him to serve. I am lower than the very ground and exist only to be pleasure and service for him. And I thank him for that.