Tuesday, September 11, 2012

IN WHICH SHE SEES THAT THINGS SOMETIMES JUST GO WRONG

How are we meant to respond as a slave/submissive/babygirl type when we're asked to do something and we know it's the wrong thing to be doing?

I'm not talking about the "I want you to take this gun and shoot that person" scenario that is so often the rhetoric of those who are opposed to (or who don't understand..) the ideas behind TPE.  I'm thinking about a real situation when you have been told to do something that is going to have negative consequences for not only yourself, but for your master and for the relationship between the two of you.

I used to think that I knew the answer to this question - I mean, it was easy... the relationship dynamic is based on trust and surrender on the part of the slave.  This means that even though I might not be able to see the reasoning behind a decision, I have to know that my master has the goal in mind and I have to follow.

I just have to have faith and surrender.

What I didn't really consider is that there might be times when he simply makes a poor decision about how to get to that goal, and as a consequence of that decision things fall apart.

How should I behave when I can see what the result of a decision is going to be, and I can see that its going to be bad?

I think that until now I only knew half of the answer.  Yes - this dynamic is about trust and surrender... but the aspect that I was missing is that it is also about the acceptance of consequences.

So, I have faith and I surrender.

And when things fall apart because I have obeyed his will, which is the good, right and true thing for a slave to do, I will accept the consequences of my obedience.

Sometimes the consequences are hearing the words "good girl."  And sometimes the consequences are that things just fall apart.

If things break, it doesn't necessarily mean that I failed.. sometimes things just break.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

IN WHICH SHE TALKS ABOUT HER FEAR OF SUBMITTING

I'm an extremely self-disciplined person.  I've had to be.  Not only have I developed this self-discipline as a means to prepare myself to serve, but it's been a resource that I've been able to rely on to keep me sane and focused during the long long time since I've had a daddy.

Now I find myself in a strange position where the thought of surrendering that control really is quite terrifying.

If I hand over my hard won self-control to a dominant, then everything about me could fall to pieces in a heartbeat, meaning that I would no longer have the ability to serve.  If I didn't have the ability to serve my dominant, then not only have I failed in what I'm trying to do for him, but I wouldn't be useful at all.  If I don't have a purpose and I can't serve and be useful, then why would my dominant want to own me?  And if my dominant didn't want to own me, then that leaves me in a precarious position where I have no control over myself because I've surrendered it, and no dominant to lend me focus and structure, to give me purpose, to find me useful.  It would leave me having given up control over myself, looking to where he is standing for some sort of focus and finding that he has left.

So, I suppose the question stands... how do you surrender all control to someone without falling apart?

Friday, January 6, 2012

IN WHICH SHE ANSWERS A QUESTION ABOUT WHY SHE IS A BABYGIRL

I have been asked a question in a comment on a previous post and wanted to write an entry in response to it. But, because I am such a bad blogger (Bad Blogger! No biscuit!) it has taken me an age to get around to posting here again, and to answering the question posed to me. The comment was posted by beautifullyhuman in response to this post about myths surrounding the babygirl dynamic.

I would like to know why do you consider yourself a baby girl, instead of a little girl, or would you consider yourself an Adult child like? Sincerely, bh

By beautifullyhuman

When I talk about myself as a babygirl I do so with a very specific definition in mind. I’ve talked about my personal definitions of different lifestyle dynamics in this post. Basically, my idea of being a babygirl has nothing really to do with regression (although, I have gone through an hypnotic age regression process which I found amazing, but perhaps more about that in another post), with episodic events of childlike behaviours (some people refer to this as being little or letting their little come out to play) or with any sort of age-play.

To me, being a babygirl is about the very sacred and primal archetype of belonging. I deeply feel that need to belong and to make myself of use. It wasn’t until about 8 years ago that I started to realise that this feeling was pointing towards the fact that I am a babygirl.

I used to chat on Yahoo.com quite often. There was a room there called ‘Women Who Want To Be Dominated’, and I used to frequent it, not as a woman who wanted to be dominted, but as a woman who wanted to dominate. Things in that room became quite strange after a while, and in an attempt to get away from it and away from that entire mainstream D/s idea, I popped into a room called ‘Daddydoms and babygirls’.

While in this room I met a number of people who were extremely enjoyable to spend time with. One of these people was A, and he and I started speaking via private message. It was amazing to be able to speak to someone who understood the higher philosophical ideas behind dominance and submission, someone who understood that part of the role of a dominant was to actually submit to these ideals, and that a master was ultimately called to master himself. The conversation progressed to a discussion about the Daddy/babygirl dynamic and what it all meant. I had never encountered it before, and was already struggling with the idea that I might just not be a dominant at all. I could look back on my life and see a pattern of wanting to serve and please – even my dominance was motivated by serving the submissive’s pleasure – now I see that this wasn’t actually dominance. After thinking for a long time about the DD/bg dynamic, and taking time to work through the stigma around incest and child abuse that the concept naturally brings to mind, I worked out that I wanted a Daddy. But, even more than wanting a Daddy was the fact that I wanted to SERVE a Daddy.

I want to be found precious and useful. I want to be humbled and realise my place as being lower than the dirt on the ground at his feet. It isn’t about diapers and pacifiers, pouting and play for me. It is about knowing my right place, and worshipping my Daddy as my Lord and Master.

Monday, June 6, 2011

IN WHICH SHE SENDS GLITTERY LOVE TO HER SISTER




Today I saw something that was at once heartbreaking and at the same time humbling and yet so inspiring.

I have joined a Fetlife.com group, a Facebook page and a Twitter group called BabygirlsUnlocked. It has been an amazing couple of weeks since discovering this group of babygirls from all ends of the globe. I have been speaking with them and listening to them and are becoming more and more inspired by them to live an exciting and beautiful life.

Today, one of the girls in the group asked a question about what a babygirl should do if she felt wrongfully disrespected by her Daddy. I was not online when the question was asked, and in a way I am glad that I wasn't.

My initial reaction was to post something along the lines of 'well, I am a slave as well as a babygirl, so for me I am not sure that I could be wrongfully disrespected by my Daddy/Master.' Instead of tritely answering with something like that, I read the almost 30 replies to her post. These replies were not from people who just threw their answers into the fray. They were on the most part not even answers - they were questions. The other babygirls in the group, her babygirl sisters, were asking her what had happened, how did she feel, if she was alright. There was an abundance of love and comfort shown to this babygirl by her sisters. It was inspiring to see it, and it has humbled me to a place where I want to begin taking notice of my response to people. I want to stop solving and start caring. And I will do that.

The reason that it was also heartbreaking is because this lovely and vibrant babygirl seems to have lost her Daddy and not because of anything that she did wrong. Also, from the little that I could tell from the messages that she posted, her Daddy seems to have acted very unfairly. Seeing that all of this happened made me feel so stabstabstabby, and it wasn't happening to me. The babygirl responded to all of her sorrow and pain in such a respectful and gracious way that it made me want to wrap her up in a blanket and make her cups of tea, to make a safe space for her to be able to grieve and be angry if she wanted, but mostly it made me want to talk with her more in the future, to learn more about her and to learn more from her.

You, my lovely girl... my gentle beautiful sister... you are inspiring and brilliant. Thank you for that.

Monday, May 30, 2011

IN WHICH SHE DISCUSSES SOME MYTHS ABOUT BEING A BABYGIRL

I would like to thank Babygirlpoet from Fetlife for her thread that I have pinched and posted here... I have made changes so that the information reflects who I am.

· I don't want to fuck my relatives.

· I don't wear diapers, even though there is nothing wrong with that.

· I'm not a "little" or a "little girl, and I believe that these two things are very different from being a "babygirl". I don't regress to varying ages for a particular reason. My mentality is different from most. The way I live all times is different from most. I have a babygirl perspective on life and this is something that is in play for me on a 24/7 basis and not something I am able to actively control.

· I don't condone, engage in or eroticise sexual acts with minors.

· I'm not a fetish, my identity is fetishised. The fetishism of my identity is not something I enjoy. However, other babygirls might enjoy being fetishised, and there is nothing wrong with that.

· Being a babygirl does not mean that I am naive or innocent. The innocence that I do hold on to doesn't make me stupid or weak.

· I believe that a babygirl will submit to her Daddy, and this is especially true for me as I also identify as a slave. This does not mean that I will be subservient to everyone.

· Being a babygirl does not mean that I was molested as a child. It just so happens that I was, however this does not play into the dynamics or beliefs that I have about Daddy/babygirl at all.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

IN WHICH SHE TALKS ABOUT REMEMBERING HER PLACE


I was reading a post on Fetlife last week where the person posting was speaking of being forgetful and easily distracted when it came to answering calls from her Daddy. My response was to think of all the little things that I try to do to remember my place as a slave, and to remember that it is A that I wish I was serving.

I thought that I might write some of them down here. Perhaps someone, someday will find something I say helpful.

  • I try each morning, when I first wake up to remember how it felt to be in his bed when I stayed with him, to slip out of it quietly and softly step across his floor so as not to wake him, to get to the shower before him so that when he woke I was already showered, dressed and looking presentable.
  • When I smell coffee I remind myself how he likes his coffee beans ground for 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 seconds, how he likes it made with heaped spoonfuls of ground Italian Roast in his coffee maker, how I would present his cup on a table with the handle facing him so that he didn't have to turn the cup at all before he could drink.
  • As I paint my nails I do so while setting the specific purpose in my mind that every time I look down and see the colour that they are I will think of how beautiful it is to have the chance to be pleasing for him.
  • I set my watch 14 minutes fast to remind myself that he is in a timezone 14 hours behind where I am, and that even though I am geographically separated from him, my mind can still be aligned to his will.
  • I use a soap that reminds me a little of his aftershave and when I smell it on my skin I remember how blessed I truly am to have met him in person that first night, and for the time we have so far shared together, in person, on the phone and over the internet.
  • When I wear a belt (which isn't often, because I usually wear skirts and not pants) I pull it on really really tight and every time I feel conscious of it during the day I remember how amazing it is to have been held by him, wrapped in his arms and that I am loved.
  • But most helpful of all for me is that when I feel my mind slipping from being fixed on his pleasure and his will I find a quiet place, I get on my knees and press my face to the floor. I breath slowly and deeply and tell myself out loud that I am a worthless babycunt, that I was born to serve my Daddy and that I am nothing without him to serve. I am lower than the very ground and exist only to be pleasure and service for him. And I thank him for that.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

IN WHICH SHE CONTEMPLATES COMPLACENCY AND TRIES TO SAY THAT FIVE TIMES FAST

I have been spending a bit of time on Fetlife.com - oh, what a delight that has been. I am constantly surprised at not only the misunderstanding that people on the bullitin boards show, but also the lack of willingness to either learn or to examine their own ideas that they show.

I hope that I never become that complacent and stagnant in my understanding of D/s, and especially the Daddy/babygirl dynamic.