IN WHICH SHE IS ALLOWED TO SHOW INTELLIGENCE IN NEW AREAS

I am back from the USA. Back from Connecticut, and back from my visit with A.

It was both wonderful and confusing at the same time. And disappointing. Let me start backwards.

T and I arrived in the USA and straight away started coughing and sneezing with what we thought was just bad colds. However we were aware that having just spent 30-odd hours on public transport and traversing half of the globe, that there was a possibility that it could be the influenza H1N1 strain. So, on the day that I was meant to go and begin my visit I lay coughing and gagging (not in a fun way) on the wrong bed in the wrong state, speaking to him on the phone and trying to explain that I didn’t think I was well enough to visit.

The message that he received was that I didn’t want to visit and was unsure of our relationship after our last in depth conversation about Queer issues and his thoughts on Homosexuality and Lesbianism. It took much convincing to assure him that this wasn’t the case. Although at one point he asked me how I felt about him now that he had told me his thoughts, and I do have to admit that every time I think about it I feel angry with him. Even now.

After about three days of coughing, gagging, and phone calls (again… none of these were of the fun sort), we decided that I was well enough to come and visit. So he came to pick me up at T’s house. T and her mother had gone to visit other members of the family, so this time I was allowed to be alone when he picked me up. It was wonderful. There were long, bone-squeezing hugs and lots of smiling, and yet something was missing. I don’t know if it was because I had been ill and he was being careful, but it felt like that *click* that had been in place the first time we spent time together was missing.

We spent the bulk of time at his house. There was a little bit of gentle play, with him laying next to me and talking me to an orgasm – he did that twice, and it was wonderful, but it still felt like there was a barrier between us. There had been no smooches at all, because I had an awful cough, and perhaps that is what I keep feeling was missing. We watched a great deal of television together, which included snuggling up with him on the sofa. We ate out a couple of times – just visiting diners, which I love (we don’t have them here), but he told me on the last night that he wished we’d been able to go somewhere nice. I wish that as well, because it would have given me a chance to dress up for him.

After he dropped me back at T’s – for her birthday and Halloween, and TH’s visit, I was able to meet him again in the city. We (A, T, TH and I) went to the Guggenheim to see the Kandinsky exhibit. Things were a little awkward at first, TH was in a strange mood the entire time that he was in NY with T and I, but in the end I decided that I was just going to relax and enjoy the day. It was amazing. I finally was able to see some of the artworks that I’ve worshipped for years, and was able to share them with the person that I’ve worshipped for years. There were fun moments where we would be talking about Kandinsky’s work and then turn on the taped exhibition guide to hear her say the same things that I had just pointed out to A. I enjoyed being able to show him that I was intelligent in a new way.

At the end of the day we went to Build-A-Bear, which has become somewhat of a tradition, if you can call something that has happened two out of two occasions a tradition. And then the four of us went out to dinner.

We said good-bye at Grand Central Station, and it felt as though there should have been some sort of melancholy piano soundtrack in the background. I hugged him tightly and he gave me a quick kiss (T and TH decided not to make themselves scarce at this point, and things were feeling awkward again), and then he was off to catch his train. It was hard not to follow him and to catch the Q back to Brooklyn.

I called him to make sure that he got home alright, and he said that it felt strange not having me in his house.

It feels strange not being there.

IN WHICH SHE IS NERVOUS AND PONDERS THE PLURAL FORM OF UTERUS

I'm more than a little nervous about things at the moment.

T and I are going to the US to visit her family for 3 weeks. She saw her mother when she visited us here last year, but other than that it has been 3 years since she has seen her sisters or her wider family, and they are all very close.

While she is going to go and visit her sisters, I am going to go and visit A.

That is why I'm nervous. Terribly nervous.

I have met him in person before. I can't remember whether I have mention this in previous posts, and honestly, seeing as it is almost 5am and I am still awake I really can't be bothered going and looking to see if I have. Bad blogger. No biscuit.

I stayed with him for about 10 days. It was wonderful. And frustrating. It has been a LONG time since I wanted to be fucked that badly. And I didn't get fucked. There was one amazing session of spanking and paddling. There was a lot of cuddling and smooches. There was almost an argument. There was an embarrassingly snarky comment made by me at one stage, which I am ashamed that I made and I totally acknowledge that it was me throwing a bit of a snit because I wanted something that I wasn't getting. Not very submissive, I know.

Anyways, things have changed between us since I saw him last. Not the least of these changes being the plan to come back from the US with a tiny little zygote in at least one of our uteruses. Uterii? What is the plural of 'uterus'?

So, I don't know how things are going to go when I spend time with him. I have asked, and he says mysterious things that fill me with dread and excitement. He says that he has plans for me and makes me imagine being bound and gagged, beaten and fucked.

Honestly, I don't know if I want that. I'm scared of what happens when that appetite is woken up again. I'm comfortable with my chastity and am finally enjoying it. And I know that it will be a hard thing to go back to after being used by him.

IN WHICH SHE THINKS ABOUT SUBMISSION AND SURRENDER

Lately I have found that I bristle at the words 'submissive' and 'submission'. I think the reason they get to me is because I find them totally inadequate to describe the process that I am going through as a slave. 'Surrender' is a beautiful word. It holds the idea of following one's Master so completely that there isn't a thought about following his direction. His will and one's action follow as effortlessly as a breath in and a breath out. The fact that he wills something almost in itself creates one's obedience because you only have to know what he wants for you to obey. 'Submission' holds the implication that one thought about whether or not she should follow a command and that there was some possibility, however small, of it not being followed. It implies that there was a choice on one's part as to whether or not she would obey. It is the breath taken in with the idea that it might never be released.

IN WHICH SHE EXPLAINS THE WAY SHE SEES IT

Cross-posted from a Fetlife Group...

I know how annoying labels and definitions are, but after railing against them for years I have discovered that they can actually be helpful because it means that everybody is on the same page when discussion things.

I'm not suggesting that we adopt definitions for terms for this group, but after posting in more than a couple of threads and being told things like 'that isn't what a babygirl is!' I thought that I might take the time to explain MY definitions of certain labels used in the BDSM and D/s realm.

Once again, to make things clear... these are my definitions and I am not proposing that they be held by the group.

BDSM - Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. I don't agree that the DS in the center of the acronym stands for Dominant and submissive as well as sadism and masochism.

 

T/b - Top and bottom. I believe that this is a relationship that is based on kink play alone. There is no aspect of Dominance and submission outside of the scene. I don't think that this makes a Top and bottom any 'less' than a D/s or M/s scenario, it just makes it different. And there is nothing wrong with knowing exactly what you want and going after that with someone compatible. The drama starts when people who are T/b feel like they have to be more to be accepted into the kink society. I believe that it is a good thing for both a Top and bottom to have soft limits, hard limits and safe-words, all of which to have been explained to the other party before any sort of interaction takes place.

 

D/s - Dominance and submission. I believe that the Dominant actually holds a position over the submissive and that she is not 'his equal who just has a different job.' I believe that the submissive begs the Dominant for the opportunity to submit to him, and that being a submissive she has the rights afforded to any human being - including the right to disagree or to say 'no', although I can't imagine that someone truly interested in submitting would use that word easily and would first have put all of her effort and energy into finding out how to turn it into a 'yes'. I believe that it is fair for a submissive to have a few limits, but that she should be prepared for these to be stretched and possibly broken by her Dominant. Some submissives like the feeling of safety that a safe-word provides, personally I think that the Dominant should know his submissive well enough to not need one.

 

M/s - Master and slave. I believe that this is the next step deeper into the lifestyle. Once again, M/s isn't better than D/s or T/b, it is just different. I believe that a Master needs a certain amount of training and mentoring to build an understanding of the true tenants of D/s and the self-discipline to be able to follow and honour these. I believe that a true Master does submit, he submits to the ideal of D/s and does so with an open and vulnerable heart ready to be taught. I believe that his slave has no rights aside from those gracefully handed her by her Master, that she doesn't have the rights afforded to a human being because she is no longer one now that she has become a slave. I believe that she becomes property and like any sort of property it is up to the owner as to whether she will be cherished and used well or misused, broken and thrown away. I believe that this is the danger of being a slave and that if more people understood this there would be a lot fewer with the word 'slave' marked on their profile. I believe that it is the Master's prerogative to keep his slave in whatever way he sees fit, whether it is tied to the bedpost and sleeping on a cold hardwood floor, or being allowed to curl up by his feet on a cushion while he reads. And I believe that she has no place to complain and no place to deny him anything. I do not believe that a slave should have any limits set other than those given her by her Master.

 

Now, this is where things get controversial...

DD/bg - DaddyDom and babygirl. I believe that DaddyDom and babygirl is a sacred archetype that exists in the kink world. I think that it is primal and dates back to a prehistoric era where when a female was born into a family group she would have to endear herself to the Father in that group in order to receive the care and protection that she needed. Male children were useful, they would grow up to be hunters and protectors, female children were another mouth to feed, and all that they would grow up to be is another womb to fill - and it has long since been recognised by science that there is a primal push for the male of the species to propagate as much of his seed as possible, so as she became of age there was another belly to fill with the child of the groups lead figure (the Father) and the child had been trying to endear herself to him so that she would receive protection and food when it was scarce.

I believe that the Daddydom offers safety to his babygirl in a way that Dominants and Masters do not - that he offers her the room to be herself, to be that babygirl without fear of reprise. This is not to say that he offers her space to be a brat, and bratting is something that is entirely different. A Daddy offers interest when his girl shows him a picture that she has drawn and a lap to curl up into when she is sleepy and just wants to be held. He offers her the opportunity to discover and enjoy a childhood that she may not have never experienced. I also believe that being a babygirl is a highly submissive role.

 

The other aspect to DD/bg to consider is that while it is something we act out (I do not condone incest or sexual contact with underage people), in the archetype of the relationship a bg was truly owned by her Daddy - to such an extent that not only was she born for him, but she was born from him - she truly belongs to him.

 

D/lg - Daddy and little girl. This is where a lot of the issues within the misunderstandings of my posts have lain over the last couple of days. There is avast difference between a DaddyDom/babygirl relationship and a Daddy/little girl. D/lg is more a level of play that is directed by the little girl. There have been posts in response to things that I've said on threads here that have pointed out to me that just because someone is a little girl it doesn't mean that she is a submissive - and I totally agree (although, I would go as far as pointing out that these posts talking about little girls and whether they were submissive were posted in the DaddyDom and babygirl group on Fetlife.com.)

 

As far as I can see, the D/lg dynamic has a large brattiness factor to it, it involves the pouting and stamping of feet when she doesn't get her way, the begging and playing nicely to Daddy so that he will give into what she wants and other 'Princess' like behaviours. I am not condemning this dynamic, if this is what does it for you, and you have found a partner that shares your fantasies and preferences then more power to you. However, I do ask that you remember that you are a little girl, and not a babygirl... and I will show the same respect by remembering that I am a babygirl and not a little girl.

I think that safe words are a good thing to have in a D/lg scenario, and that hard and soft limits should be set, and I have found when talking to little girls that it tends to be them who set the limits and the Daddies who follow them.

 

There was SO much more that I wanted to write about... like my ideas on the definitions of discipline and my views on submission 'as a gift'... perhaps at another time in another thread.

If anyone has actually sat down and read through all of my ramblings - thank you.

IN WHICH SHE THINKS

I think that it is an amazing thing to be able to know in yourself that nothing other than your Master's will is important. The ability to not only serve through action, but to be right-minded. To be totally content to wait upon his pleasure.I've been thinking about humility as well, and working through what it is in real terms.

I think that the idea of a submissive being worthless.. of making no claims on herself or her own time is vital. And it is through this knowledge that she is worthless, that she is nothing.. that she becomes precious to him. Not because she deserves it or has earnt it, but because he wishes to hold her precious. It is simply his choosing to find pleasure in her that gives her the worth that she has.

In the same way that money is just paper and ink until we subscribe a worth to it, a submissive is worthless until she is found precious by her Master choosing to take pleasure in her. And in that she achieves the reason for her existence... she is of service to him... because he has chosen for it to be like this, not because she has done anything.

I have no precious time at all to spend, Nor services to do, till you require.

IN WHICH SHE DISCOVERS HER LAUGH

He speaks to me 

in words and silences 

that take me places 

I have never imagined. 

Places where I am happy 

and carefree.   Places where 

I respond to his words 

without thought and without need.  

Places where there is nothing 

but his will.  

His will and my obedience, 

and my obedience is pleasure.

He teaches me the lessons he wants me to learn and I learn them well.

IN WHICH EASTER BREAKS AND D/s IS SIGHTED

I explained to the two gentlemen that I had been speaking with that my heart, and my submission already belonged to someone else.  I also had an intense few days with T over the Easter break... ha.  Easter BREAK, where I explained to her how things felt to me.  I don't know what is going to happen there.  I don't really know what was decided.  I honestly don't think that there was a decision made.

Things are difficult with T because we can't just go our seperate ways and let ourselves grieve.  We have a puppy who has a really bad heart problem and if she goes through the stress of pining for any of the other animals then it will kill her.  So we need to stay in the same place because of Mollie.  It is hard to grieve for the loss of a lover when you are lying curled in bed next to her.

Anyways, this is not what this entry was going to be about.  This is...

I am not really searching for a dominant. I believe in searching for self-discipline, knowledge and self-awareness. I think that this is a way to honour and serve the dominant who will (hopefully) one day take possession of me. I think it is possible to serve someone in this way, even though you may not have yet met who that person is going to be.. if this makes sense?

I believe that there is a lack of depth to be found in abundance (is a lack of abundance a possibility?) on D/s sites. This is something that exists as much with the dominants as with the submissives. I believe in honouring a higher ideal behind D/s.. almost a philosophy of service, and it is hard to do that when you are collared or otherwise attached to someone who is only wanting a toy to play with and has no vision for leading the relationship. A lot of dominants believe that there is little else to being in a D/s relationship than getting their kinks met... and a lot of submissives believe that the only way to serve someone is through meeting their kinks. I believe in true service.. in being the personification of my Master's Will and meeting his needs. All of them.

IN WHICH THINGS ARE INCREASINGLY COMPLICATED

I need to be more active in updating my journals. I know this, and I want to do this, but it is difficult to write about something that I don't have.

I have been talking to two lovely gentlemen online over the last two weeks. But it isn't going to work. Each time one of them pushes a little, gives a little direction, asks for me to bend slightly to his will my immediate response is a feeling of cheating.

I am still caught by someone else. I was stupid to think that I had escaped just because I was able to distract myself for a little while.

Oh boy, things are complicated.

IN WHICH SHE STEPS INTO VIEW

Let me start off by saying that I can now be a lot more open and vulnerable with my writing because my entries aren’t being proof-read by J anymore. He didn’t like me sharing intimate details, which I found difficult to do because I don’t really keep these blogs for an audience, I keep them to sort out my thoughts and feelings. I like being able to be totally honest here

So, now that J is more or less out of the picture, there was, of course, the ‘still be friends’ discussion, but I can’t really see that happening… I thought perhaps some back ground might be a little helpful.

Who Am I?

I know all about labels and their inaccuracy, and I don’t get caught up in them, but I find that they do give people a starting point when they are trying to get to know you.

I’m a 35 years old woman who identifies herself as being queer, and has for as long as she knew what the definition of queer was.

I call myself a lesbian, dyke, queer, and various other things but at times I find myself wondering about the accuracy of my self view.

I spent a long time on the Dominant side of the BDSM fence, and now find myself well put on the submissive side, so much so that I find I have a lot of slave like tendencies rather than submissive ones. I am very interested in the Daddydom/babygirl aspect of the lifestyle, I know that comes as a shocking surprise when you consider the title of my blog and my ID.

I am in a long term, but open (within certain boundaries) relationship with a bisexual woman who is two years my younger, sexy, intelligent, humorous and occasionally so frustrating that I could spank the arse off her. And have done. We rent a lovely house in regional NSW and share it with our 2 dogs, 3 cats and 3 ferrets. All we need is one more dog and one more lesbian and we’d have balanced numbers.

I paint, write, draw and am slowly learning to enjoy gardening. Our house has fruit trees in the back yard and I have discovered there is an amazing difference between the taste of freshly picked and sun warm fruit and what you can buy in the supermarket.

I am pierced, inked, shaved and dyed; and as someone at work keenly observed, I am trying to look different.

I work as a nurse, which I enjoy immensely except when you bring hospital and Area Health Service politics into the picture. Occasionally I get fed up with nursing and state that I wish I was a florist, but I don’t really. Really I wish I was a musician. Or an author. Or a stay-at-home mother. Perhaps a pilot. It depends on what day it is.

I am addicted and addictive.

A devout heretic and deliciously destructive.

I am the most truthful liar that you will ever meet.

Now watch as I get to be myself again.

IN WHICH THERE IS AN EARLY CLOSURE TO A SHORT AFFAIR

I know that I am frustrating at times.  I know that I can be hard to understand.  But I also would have thought that by telling somebody that I wasn't comfortable with sex that person might understand it meant more than being uncomfortable with just 'penis-in-vagina' sex.

I would have thought that he, more than anyone, would at least try to understand what it all meant.  But he didn't even ask about it.  I brought the topic up multiple times, trying to be defferential to what he wanted to speak about and being careful that I didn't seem like I was trying to 'top' in any way.  However, in the end I had to say something, I had to tell him that I didn't think that it was going to work and that I didn't want to be a waste of his time or energy.

I don't have a Daddy anymore.

On the positive side of the coin, though... I still have a friend (who shall now be known as J).  He and T are still getting their 'kink' on.  And we saved a gorgeous dog from being put down.

More on that later...