IN WHICH EASTER BREAKS AND D/s IS SIGHTED

I explained to the two gentlemen that I had been speaking with that my heart, and my submission already belonged to someone else.  I also had an intense few days with T over the Easter break... ha.  Easter BREAK, where I explained to her how things felt to me.  I don't know what is going to happen there.  I don't really know what was decided.  I honestly don't think that there was a decision made.

Things are difficult with T because we can't just go our seperate ways and let ourselves grieve.  We have a puppy who has a really bad heart problem and if she goes through the stress of pining for any of the other animals then it will kill her.  So we need to stay in the same place because of Mollie.  It is hard to grieve for the loss of a lover when you are lying curled in bed next to her.

Anyways, this is not what this entry was going to be about.  This is...

I am not really searching for a dominant. I believe in searching for self-discipline, knowledge and self-awareness. I think that this is a way to honour and serve the dominant who will (hopefully) one day take possession of me. I think it is possible to serve someone in this way, even though you may not have yet met who that person is going to be.. if this makes sense?

I believe that there is a lack of depth to be found in abundance (is a lack of abundance a possibility?) on D/s sites. This is something that exists as much with the dominants as with the submissives. I believe in honouring a higher ideal behind D/s.. almost a philosophy of service, and it is hard to do that when you are collared or otherwise attached to someone who is only wanting a toy to play with and has no vision for leading the relationship. A lot of dominants believe that there is little else to being in a D/s relationship than getting their kinks met... and a lot of submissives believe that the only way to serve someone is through meeting their kinks. I believe in true service.. in being the personification of my Master's Will and meeting his needs. All of them.

IN WHICH SHE STEPS INTO VIEW

Let me start off by saying that I can now be a lot more open and vulnerable with my writing because my entries aren’t being proof-read by J anymore. He didn’t like me sharing intimate details, which I found difficult to do because I don’t really keep these blogs for an audience, I keep them to sort out my thoughts and feelings. I like being able to be totally honest here

So, now that J is more or less out of the picture, there was, of course, the ‘still be friends’ discussion, but I can’t really see that happening… I thought perhaps some back ground might be a little helpful.

Who Am I?

I know all about labels and their inaccuracy, and I don’t get caught up in them, but I find that they do give people a starting point when they are trying to get to know you.

I’m a 35 years old woman who identifies herself as being queer, and has for as long as she knew what the definition of queer was.

I call myself a lesbian, dyke, queer, and various other things but at times I find myself wondering about the accuracy of my self view.

I spent a long time on the Dominant side of the BDSM fence, and now find myself well put on the submissive side, so much so that I find I have a lot of slave like tendencies rather than submissive ones. I am very interested in the Daddydom/babygirl aspect of the lifestyle, I know that comes as a shocking surprise when you consider the title of my blog and my ID.

I am in a long term, but open (within certain boundaries) relationship with a bisexual woman who is two years my younger, sexy, intelligent, humorous and occasionally so frustrating that I could spank the arse off her. And have done. We rent a lovely house in regional NSW and share it with our 2 dogs, 3 cats and 3 ferrets. All we need is one more dog and one more lesbian and we’d have balanced numbers.

I paint, write, draw and am slowly learning to enjoy gardening. Our house has fruit trees in the back yard and I have discovered there is an amazing difference between the taste of freshly picked and sun warm fruit and what you can buy in the supermarket.

I am pierced, inked, shaved and dyed; and as someone at work keenly observed, I am trying to look different.

I work as a nurse, which I enjoy immensely except when you bring hospital and Area Health Service politics into the picture. Occasionally I get fed up with nursing and state that I wish I was a florist, but I don’t really. Really I wish I was a musician. Or an author. Or a stay-at-home mother. Perhaps a pilot. It depends on what day it is.

I am addicted and addictive.

A devout heretic and deliciously destructive.

I am the most truthful liar that you will ever meet.

Now watch as I get to be myself again.

IN WHICH THERE IS AN EARLY CLOSURE TO A SHORT AFFAIR

I know that I am frustrating at times.  I know that I can be hard to understand.  But I also would have thought that by telling somebody that I wasn't comfortable with sex that person might understand it meant more than being uncomfortable with just 'penis-in-vagina' sex.

I would have thought that he, more than anyone, would at least try to understand what it all meant.  But he didn't even ask about it.  I brought the topic up multiple times, trying to be defferential to what he wanted to speak about and being careful that I didn't seem like I was trying to 'top' in any way.  However, in the end I had to say something, I had to tell him that I didn't think that it was going to work and that I didn't want to be a waste of his time or energy.

I don't have a Daddy anymore.

On the positive side of the coin, though... I still have a friend (who shall now be known as J).  He and T are still getting their 'kink' on.  And we saved a gorgeous dog from being put down.

More on that later...