IN WHICH SHE SEES THAT THINGS SOMETIMES JUST GO WRONG

How are we meant to respond as a slave/submissive/babygirl type when we're asked to do something and we know it's the wrong thing to be doing?

I'm not talking about the "I want you to take this gun and shoot that person" scenario that is so often the rhetoric of those who are opposed to (or who don't understand..) the ideas behind TPE.  I'm thinking about a real situation when you have been told to do something that is going to have negative consequences for not only yourself, but for your master and for the relationship between the two of you.

I used to think that I knew the answer to this question - I mean, it was easy... the relationship dynamic is based on trust and surrender on the part of the slave.  This means that even though I might not be able to see the reasoning behind a decision, I have to know that my master has the goal in mind and I have to follow.

I just have to have faith and surrender.

What I didn't really consider is that there might be times when he simply makes a poor decision about how to get to that goal, and as a consequence of that decision things fall apart.

How should I behave when I can see what the result of a decision is going to be, and I can see that its going to be bad?

I think that until now I only knew half of the answer.  Yes - this dynamic is about trust and surrender... but the aspect that I was missing is that it is also about the acceptance of consequences.

So, I have faith and I surrender.

And when things fall apart because I have obeyed his will, which is the good, right and true thing for a slave to do, I will accept the consequences of my obedience.

Sometimes the consequences are hearing the words "good girl."  And sometimes the consequences are that things just fall apart.

If things break, it doesn't necessarily mean that I failed.. sometimes things just break.

IN WHICH SHE TALKS ABOUT HER FEAR OF SUBMITTING

I'm an extremely self-disciplined person.  I've had to be.  Not only have I developed this self-discipline as a means to prepare myself to serve, but it's been a resource that I've been able to rely on to keep me sane and focused during the long long time since I've had a daddy.

Now I find myself in a strange position where the thought of surrendering that control really is quite terrifying.

If I hand over my hard won self-control to a dominant, then everything about me could fall to pieces in a heartbeat, meaning that I would no longer have the ability to serve.  If I didn't have the ability to serve my dominant, then not only have I failed in what I'm trying to do for him, but I wouldn't be useful at all.  If I don't have a purpose and I can't serve and be useful, then why would my dominant want to own me?  And if my dominant didn't want to own me, then that leaves me in a precarious position where I have no control over myself because I've surrendered it, and no dominant to lend me focus and structure, to give me purpose, to find me useful.  It would leave me having given up control over myself, looking to where he is standing for some sort of focus and finding that he has left.

So, I suppose the question stands... how do you surrender all control to someone without falling apart?

IN WHICH SHE IS ALLOWED TO SHOW INTELLIGENCE IN NEW AREAS

I am back from the USA. Back from Connecticut, and back from my visit with A.

It was both wonderful and confusing at the same time. And disappointing. Let me start backwards.

T and I arrived in the USA and straight away started coughing and sneezing with what we thought was just bad colds. However we were aware that having just spent 30-odd hours on public transport and traversing half of the globe, that there was a possibility that it could be the influenza H1N1 strain. So, on the day that I was meant to go and begin my visit I lay coughing and gagging (not in a fun way) on the wrong bed in the wrong state, speaking to him on the phone and trying to explain that I didn’t think I was well enough to visit.

The message that he received was that I didn’t want to visit and was unsure of our relationship after our last in depth conversation about Queer issues and his thoughts on Homosexuality and Lesbianism. It took much convincing to assure him that this wasn’t the case. Although at one point he asked me how I felt about him now that he had told me his thoughts, and I do have to admit that every time I think about it I feel angry with him. Even now.

After about three days of coughing, gagging, and phone calls (again… none of these were of the fun sort), we decided that I was well enough to come and visit. So he came to pick me up at T’s house. T and her mother had gone to visit other members of the family, so this time I was allowed to be alone when he picked me up. It was wonderful. There were long, bone-squeezing hugs and lots of smiling, and yet something was missing. I don’t know if it was because I had been ill and he was being careful, but it felt like that *click* that had been in place the first time we spent time together was missing.

We spent the bulk of time at his house. There was a little bit of gentle play, with him laying next to me and talking me to an orgasm – he did that twice, and it was wonderful, but it still felt like there was a barrier between us. There had been no smooches at all, because I had an awful cough, and perhaps that is what I keep feeling was missing. We watched a great deal of television together, which included snuggling up with him on the sofa. We ate out a couple of times – just visiting diners, which I love (we don’t have them here), but he told me on the last night that he wished we’d been able to go somewhere nice. I wish that as well, because it would have given me a chance to dress up for him.

After he dropped me back at T’s – for her birthday and Halloween, and TH’s visit, I was able to meet him again in the city. We (A, T, TH and I) went to the Guggenheim to see the Kandinsky exhibit. Things were a little awkward at first, TH was in a strange mood the entire time that he was in NY with T and I, but in the end I decided that I was just going to relax and enjoy the day. It was amazing. I finally was able to see some of the artworks that I’ve worshipped for years, and was able to share them with the person that I’ve worshipped for years. There were fun moments where we would be talking about Kandinsky’s work and then turn on the taped exhibition guide to hear her say the same things that I had just pointed out to A. I enjoyed being able to show him that I was intelligent in a new way.

At the end of the day we went to Build-A-Bear, which has become somewhat of a tradition, if you can call something that has happened two out of two occasions a tradition. And then the four of us went out to dinner.

We said good-bye at Grand Central Station, and it felt as though there should have been some sort of melancholy piano soundtrack in the background. I hugged him tightly and he gave me a quick kiss (T and TH decided not to make themselves scarce at this point, and things were feeling awkward again), and then he was off to catch his train. It was hard not to follow him and to catch the Q back to Brooklyn.

I called him to make sure that he got home alright, and he said that it felt strange not having me in his house.

It feels strange not being there.

IN WHICH SHE THINKS

I think that it is an amazing thing to be able to know in yourself that nothing other than your Master's will is important. The ability to not only serve through action, but to be right-minded. To be totally content to wait upon his pleasure.I've been thinking about humility as well, and working through what it is in real terms.

I think that the idea of a submissive being worthless.. of making no claims on herself or her own time is vital. And it is through this knowledge that she is worthless, that she is nothing.. that she becomes precious to him. Not because she deserves it or has earnt it, but because he wishes to hold her precious. It is simply his choosing to find pleasure in her that gives her the worth that she has.

In the same way that money is just paper and ink until we subscribe a worth to it, a submissive is worthless until she is found precious by her Master choosing to take pleasure in her. And in that she achieves the reason for her existence... she is of service to him... because he has chosen for it to be like this, not because she has done anything.

I have no precious time at all to spend, Nor services to do, till you require.

IN WHICH SHE DISCOVERS HER LAUGH

He speaks to me 

in words and silences 

that take me places 

I have never imagined. 

Places where I am happy 

and carefree.   Places where 

I respond to his words 

without thought and without need.  

Places where there is nothing 

but his will.  

His will and my obedience, 

and my obedience is pleasure.

He teaches me the lessons he wants me to learn and I learn them well.

IN WHICH EASTER BREAKS AND D/s IS SIGHTED

I explained to the two gentlemen that I had been speaking with that my heart, and my submission already belonged to someone else.  I also had an intense few days with T over the Easter break... ha.  Easter BREAK, where I explained to her how things felt to me.  I don't know what is going to happen there.  I don't really know what was decided.  I honestly don't think that there was a decision made.

Things are difficult with T because we can't just go our seperate ways and let ourselves grieve.  We have a puppy who has a really bad heart problem and if she goes through the stress of pining for any of the other animals then it will kill her.  So we need to stay in the same place because of Mollie.  It is hard to grieve for the loss of a lover when you are lying curled in bed next to her.

Anyways, this is not what this entry was going to be about.  This is...

I am not really searching for a dominant. I believe in searching for self-discipline, knowledge and self-awareness. I think that this is a way to honour and serve the dominant who will (hopefully) one day take possession of me. I think it is possible to serve someone in this way, even though you may not have yet met who that person is going to be.. if this makes sense?

I believe that there is a lack of depth to be found in abundance (is a lack of abundance a possibility?) on D/s sites. This is something that exists as much with the dominants as with the submissives. I believe in honouring a higher ideal behind D/s.. almost a philosophy of service, and it is hard to do that when you are collared or otherwise attached to someone who is only wanting a toy to play with and has no vision for leading the relationship. A lot of dominants believe that there is little else to being in a D/s relationship than getting their kinks met... and a lot of submissives believe that the only way to serve someone is through meeting their kinks. I believe in true service.. in being the personification of my Master's Will and meeting his needs. All of them.

IN WHICH THINGS ARE INCREASINGLY COMPLICATED

I need to be more active in updating my journals. I know this, and I want to do this, but it is difficult to write about something that I don't have.

I have been talking to two lovely gentlemen online over the last two weeks. But it isn't going to work. Each time one of them pushes a little, gives a little direction, asks for me to bend slightly to his will my immediate response is a feeling of cheating.

I am still caught by someone else. I was stupid to think that I had escaped just because I was able to distract myself for a little while.

Oh boy, things are complicated.

IN WHICH THINGS ARE GOING WONDERFULLY

Daddy has been taking control of me in more and more ways each day. It started with small requests and little expectations, like sending him an email before 10am each day or wearing no panties while I am at home. The requests became commands, being told to ask for permission before masturbating and not being permitted to wear clothes whilst inside my house. Those commands are now growing into something more. It is becoming second nature for me not only to follow directions that I have been given, but also to seek out his direction in things.

I am enjoying this new level of my submission to him, and I am waiting for it to grow deeper. I am waiting for it to become a natural un-thought of state to consider Daddy’s will in each situation, for my first instinct not to be one of self-preservation like every other being on the planet, but for it to be instinctual to consider his pleasure and his will first of all things.

Daddy tells me the things that he wishes of me each day. He has taken control of our household’s finances and decides with T on what our budget will be. He gives me tasks to fulfill and activities to report upon. He tells us when to go to bed. And I long for him to take even more control over my life like the greedy whore that I am.