IN WHICH SHE IS NERVOUS AND PONDERS THE PLURAL FORM OF UTERUS

I'm more than a little nervous about things at the moment.

T and I are going to the US to visit her family for 3 weeks. She saw her mother when she visited us here last year, but other than that it has been 3 years since she has seen her sisters or her wider family, and they are all very close.

While she is going to go and visit her sisters, I am going to go and visit A.

That is why I'm nervous. Terribly nervous.

I have met him in person before. I can't remember whether I have mention this in previous posts, and honestly, seeing as it is almost 5am and I am still awake I really can't be bothered going and looking to see if I have. Bad blogger. No biscuit.

I stayed with him for about 10 days. It was wonderful. And frustrating. It has been a LONG time since I wanted to be fucked that badly. And I didn't get fucked. There was one amazing session of spanking and paddling. There was a lot of cuddling and smooches. There was almost an argument. There was an embarrassingly snarky comment made by me at one stage, which I am ashamed that I made and I totally acknowledge that it was me throwing a bit of a snit because I wanted something that I wasn't getting. Not very submissive, I know.

Anyways, things have changed between us since I saw him last. Not the least of these changes being the plan to come back from the US with a tiny little zygote in at least one of our uteruses. Uterii? What is the plural of 'uterus'?

So, I don't know how things are going to go when I spend time with him. I have asked, and he says mysterious things that fill me with dread and excitement. He says that he has plans for me and makes me imagine being bound and gagged, beaten and fucked.

Honestly, I don't know if I want that. I'm scared of what happens when that appetite is woken up again. I'm comfortable with my chastity and am finally enjoying it. And I know that it will be a hard thing to go back to after being used by him.

IN WHICH EASTER BREAKS AND D/s IS SIGHTED

I explained to the two gentlemen that I had been speaking with that my heart, and my submission already belonged to someone else.  I also had an intense few days with T over the Easter break... ha.  Easter BREAK, where I explained to her how things felt to me.  I don't know what is going to happen there.  I don't really know what was decided.  I honestly don't think that there was a decision made.

Things are difficult with T because we can't just go our seperate ways and let ourselves grieve.  We have a puppy who has a really bad heart problem and if she goes through the stress of pining for any of the other animals then it will kill her.  So we need to stay in the same place because of Mollie.  It is hard to grieve for the loss of a lover when you are lying curled in bed next to her.

Anyways, this is not what this entry was going to be about.  This is...

I am not really searching for a dominant. I believe in searching for self-discipline, knowledge and self-awareness. I think that this is a way to honour and serve the dominant who will (hopefully) one day take possession of me. I think it is possible to serve someone in this way, even though you may not have yet met who that person is going to be.. if this makes sense?

I believe that there is a lack of depth to be found in abundance (is a lack of abundance a possibility?) on D/s sites. This is something that exists as much with the dominants as with the submissives. I believe in honouring a higher ideal behind D/s.. almost a philosophy of service, and it is hard to do that when you are collared or otherwise attached to someone who is only wanting a toy to play with and has no vision for leading the relationship. A lot of dominants believe that there is little else to being in a D/s relationship than getting their kinks met... and a lot of submissives believe that the only way to serve someone is through meeting their kinks. I believe in true service.. in being the personification of my Master's Will and meeting his needs. All of them.

IN WHICH THERE IS AN EARLY CLOSURE TO A SHORT AFFAIR

I know that I am frustrating at times.  I know that I can be hard to understand.  But I also would have thought that by telling somebody that I wasn't comfortable with sex that person might understand it meant more than being uncomfortable with just 'penis-in-vagina' sex.

I would have thought that he, more than anyone, would at least try to understand what it all meant.  But he didn't even ask about it.  I brought the topic up multiple times, trying to be defferential to what he wanted to speak about and being careful that I didn't seem like I was trying to 'top' in any way.  However, in the end I had to say something, I had to tell him that I didn't think that it was going to work and that I didn't want to be a waste of his time or energy.

I don't have a Daddy anymore.

On the positive side of the coin, though... I still have a friend (who shall now be known as J).  He and T are still getting their 'kink' on.  And we saved a gorgeous dog from being put down.

More on that later...