IN WHICH SHE SEES THAT THINGS SOMETIMES JUST GO WRONG

How are we meant to respond as a slave/submissive/babygirl type when we're asked to do something and we know it's the wrong thing to be doing?

I'm not talking about the "I want you to take this gun and shoot that person" scenario that is so often the rhetoric of those who are opposed to (or who don't understand..) the ideas behind TPE.  I'm thinking about a real situation when you have been told to do something that is going to have negative consequences for not only yourself, but for your master and for the relationship between the two of you.

I used to think that I knew the answer to this question - I mean, it was easy... the relationship dynamic is based on trust and surrender on the part of the slave.  This means that even though I might not be able to see the reasoning behind a decision, I have to know that my master has the goal in mind and I have to follow.

I just have to have faith and surrender.

What I didn't really consider is that there might be times when he simply makes a poor decision about how to get to that goal, and as a consequence of that decision things fall apart.

How should I behave when I can see what the result of a decision is going to be, and I can see that its going to be bad?

I think that until now I only knew half of the answer.  Yes - this dynamic is about trust and surrender... but the aspect that I was missing is that it is also about the acceptance of consequences.

So, I have faith and I surrender.

And when things fall apart because I have obeyed his will, which is the good, right and true thing for a slave to do, I will accept the consequences of my obedience.

Sometimes the consequences are hearing the words "good girl."  And sometimes the consequences are that things just fall apart.

If things break, it doesn't necessarily mean that I failed.. sometimes things just break.

IN WHICH SHE TALKS ABOUT HER FEAR OF SUBMITTING

I'm an extremely self-disciplined person.  I've had to be.  Not only have I developed this self-discipline as a means to prepare myself to serve, but it's been a resource that I've been able to rely on to keep me sane and focused during the long long time since I've had a daddy.

Now I find myself in a strange position where the thought of surrendering that control really is quite terrifying.

If I hand over my hard won self-control to a dominant, then everything about me could fall to pieces in a heartbeat, meaning that I would no longer have the ability to serve.  If I didn't have the ability to serve my dominant, then not only have I failed in what I'm trying to do for him, but I wouldn't be useful at all.  If I don't have a purpose and I can't serve and be useful, then why would my dominant want to own me?  And if my dominant didn't want to own me, then that leaves me in a precarious position where I have no control over myself because I've surrendered it, and no dominant to lend me focus and structure, to give me purpose, to find me useful.  It would leave me having given up control over myself, looking to where he is standing for some sort of focus and finding that he has left.

So, I suppose the question stands... how do you surrender all control to someone without falling apart?

IN WHICH SHE DISCUSSES SOME MYTHS ABOUT BEING A BABYGIRL

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IN WHICH SHE ADMITS THAT SHE HASN'T BEEN HERE IN SUCH AN AWFULLY LONG TIME

I am a bad blogger.

I love using this blog and talking about my feelings about A here, but for some strange reason I procrastinate and never actually write. Well, here is another empty promise to change that and to write more often.

Anyways, a catch up to what has been happening lately - I have been able to spend a lot of wonderful time with A thanks to Skype and more importantly thanks to his graciousness in allowing me into his presence. He is an amazing man.

I didn't think that I could come to love him anymore than I did, but apparently I was wrong because I am becoming quite obsessed with thinking about him and having my mind set on what his will is. I love the feeling that I am being guided by what his will might be in situations. I love the feeling that he is with me throughout my day. What I don't love is the feeling that he isn't with me in person.

T and I have talked a little about moving to the USA so that I can be closer to A. I really don't want to live in the US, and I love living in Australia and will miss it terribly. However, the thought that I am this far away from him pains me so much that at times I can't stand it... and the idea that I am literally wasting years that we could be spending together is intolerable to me. I have known and loved A for almost 7 years now and in that time I have spent less than a month actually in his presence.

When I was talking to him on Saturday he made a joke about me telling people that 'my Daddy' had told me something, and my heart skipped when I heard him call himself my Daddy. I asked him about it (because I can never leave anything alone), and he explained that he had been joking and said that I was being unfair by pointing it out in the way that I was doing. He is right, it was terribly unfair of me.

But I wanted so desperately for him to say that he had said it because he thinks about me as being his babygirl.

IN WHICH SHE IS NERVOUS AND PONDERS THE PLURAL FORM OF UTERUS

I'm more than a little nervous about things at the moment.

T and I are going to the US to visit her family for 3 weeks. She saw her mother when she visited us here last year, but other than that it has been 3 years since she has seen her sisters or her wider family, and they are all very close.

While she is going to go and visit her sisters, I am going to go and visit A.

That is why I'm nervous. Terribly nervous.

I have met him in person before. I can't remember whether I have mention this in previous posts, and honestly, seeing as it is almost 5am and I am still awake I really can't be bothered going and looking to see if I have. Bad blogger. No biscuit.

I stayed with him for about 10 days. It was wonderful. And frustrating. It has been a LONG time since I wanted to be fucked that badly. And I didn't get fucked. There was one amazing session of spanking and paddling. There was a lot of cuddling and smooches. There was almost an argument. There was an embarrassingly snarky comment made by me at one stage, which I am ashamed that I made and I totally acknowledge that it was me throwing a bit of a snit because I wanted something that I wasn't getting. Not very submissive, I know.

Anyways, things have changed between us since I saw him last. Not the least of these changes being the plan to come back from the US with a tiny little zygote in at least one of our uteruses. Uterii? What is the plural of 'uterus'?

So, I don't know how things are going to go when I spend time with him. I have asked, and he says mysterious things that fill me with dread and excitement. He says that he has plans for me and makes me imagine being bound and gagged, beaten and fucked.

Honestly, I don't know if I want that. I'm scared of what happens when that appetite is woken up again. I'm comfortable with my chastity and am finally enjoying it. And I know that it will be a hard thing to go back to after being used by him.

IN WHICH SHE EXPLAINS THE WAY SHE SEES IT

Cross-posted from a Fetlife Group...

I know how annoying labels and definitions are, but after railing against them for years I have discovered that they can actually be helpful because it means that everybody is on the same page when discussion things.

I'm not suggesting that we adopt definitions for terms for this group, but after posting in more than a couple of threads and being told things like 'that isn't what a babygirl is!' I thought that I might take the time to explain MY definitions of certain labels used in the BDSM and D/s realm.

Once again, to make things clear... these are my definitions and I am not proposing that they be held by the group.

BDSM - Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. I don't agree that the DS in the center of the acronym stands for Dominant and submissive as well as sadism and masochism.

 

T/b - Top and bottom. I believe that this is a relationship that is based on kink play alone. There is no aspect of Dominance and submission outside of the scene. I don't think that this makes a Top and bottom any 'less' than a D/s or M/s scenario, it just makes it different. And there is nothing wrong with knowing exactly what you want and going after that with someone compatible. The drama starts when people who are T/b feel like they have to be more to be accepted into the kink society. I believe that it is a good thing for both a Top and bottom to have soft limits, hard limits and safe-words, all of which to have been explained to the other party before any sort of interaction takes place.

 

D/s - Dominance and submission. I believe that the Dominant actually holds a position over the submissive and that she is not 'his equal who just has a different job.' I believe that the submissive begs the Dominant for the opportunity to submit to him, and that being a submissive she has the rights afforded to any human being - including the right to disagree or to say 'no', although I can't imagine that someone truly interested in submitting would use that word easily and would first have put all of her effort and energy into finding out how to turn it into a 'yes'. I believe that it is fair for a submissive to have a few limits, but that she should be prepared for these to be stretched and possibly broken by her Dominant. Some submissives like the feeling of safety that a safe-word provides, personally I think that the Dominant should know his submissive well enough to not need one.

 

M/s - Master and slave. I believe that this is the next step deeper into the lifestyle. Once again, M/s isn't better than D/s or T/b, it is just different. I believe that a Master needs a certain amount of training and mentoring to build an understanding of the true tenants of D/s and the self-discipline to be able to follow and honour these. I believe that a true Master does submit, he submits to the ideal of D/s and does so with an open and vulnerable heart ready to be taught. I believe that his slave has no rights aside from those gracefully handed her by her Master, that she doesn't have the rights afforded to a human being because she is no longer one now that she has become a slave. I believe that she becomes property and like any sort of property it is up to the owner as to whether she will be cherished and used well or misused, broken and thrown away. I believe that this is the danger of being a slave and that if more people understood this there would be a lot fewer with the word 'slave' marked on their profile. I believe that it is the Master's prerogative to keep his slave in whatever way he sees fit, whether it is tied to the bedpost and sleeping on a cold hardwood floor, or being allowed to curl up by his feet on a cushion while he reads. And I believe that she has no place to complain and no place to deny him anything. I do not believe that a slave should have any limits set other than those given her by her Master.

 

Now, this is where things get controversial...

DD/bg - DaddyDom and babygirl. I believe that DaddyDom and babygirl is a sacred archetype that exists in the kink world. I think that it is primal and dates back to a prehistoric era where when a female was born into a family group she would have to endear herself to the Father in that group in order to receive the care and protection that she needed. Male children were useful, they would grow up to be hunters and protectors, female children were another mouth to feed, and all that they would grow up to be is another womb to fill - and it has long since been recognised by science that there is a primal push for the male of the species to propagate as much of his seed as possible, so as she became of age there was another belly to fill with the child of the groups lead figure (the Father) and the child had been trying to endear herself to him so that she would receive protection and food when it was scarce.

I believe that the Daddydom offers safety to his babygirl in a way that Dominants and Masters do not - that he offers her the room to be herself, to be that babygirl without fear of reprise. This is not to say that he offers her space to be a brat, and bratting is something that is entirely different. A Daddy offers interest when his girl shows him a picture that she has drawn and a lap to curl up into when she is sleepy and just wants to be held. He offers her the opportunity to discover and enjoy a childhood that she may not have never experienced. I also believe that being a babygirl is a highly submissive role.

 

The other aspect to DD/bg to consider is that while it is something we act out (I do not condone incest or sexual contact with underage people), in the archetype of the relationship a bg was truly owned by her Daddy - to such an extent that not only was she born for him, but she was born from him - she truly belongs to him.

 

D/lg - Daddy and little girl. This is where a lot of the issues within the misunderstandings of my posts have lain over the last couple of days. There is avast difference between a DaddyDom/babygirl relationship and a Daddy/little girl. D/lg is more a level of play that is directed by the little girl. There have been posts in response to things that I've said on threads here that have pointed out to me that just because someone is a little girl it doesn't mean that she is a submissive - and I totally agree (although, I would go as far as pointing out that these posts talking about little girls and whether they were submissive were posted in the DaddyDom and babygirl group on Fetlife.com.)

 

As far as I can see, the D/lg dynamic has a large brattiness factor to it, it involves the pouting and stamping of feet when she doesn't get her way, the begging and playing nicely to Daddy so that he will give into what she wants and other 'Princess' like behaviours. I am not condemning this dynamic, if this is what does it for you, and you have found a partner that shares your fantasies and preferences then more power to you. However, I do ask that you remember that you are a little girl, and not a babygirl... and I will show the same respect by remembering that I am a babygirl and not a little girl.

I think that safe words are a good thing to have in a D/lg scenario, and that hard and soft limits should be set, and I have found when talking to little girls that it tends to be them who set the limits and the Daddies who follow them.

 

There was SO much more that I wanted to write about... like my ideas on the definitions of discipline and my views on submission 'as a gift'... perhaps at another time in another thread.

If anyone has actually sat down and read through all of my ramblings - thank you.

IN WHICH SHE THINKS

I think that it is an amazing thing to be able to know in yourself that nothing other than your Master's will is important. The ability to not only serve through action, but to be right-minded. To be totally content to wait upon his pleasure.I've been thinking about humility as well, and working through what it is in real terms.

I think that the idea of a submissive being worthless.. of making no claims on herself or her own time is vital. And it is through this knowledge that she is worthless, that she is nothing.. that she becomes precious to him. Not because she deserves it or has earnt it, but because he wishes to hold her precious. It is simply his choosing to find pleasure in her that gives her the worth that she has.

In the same way that money is just paper and ink until we subscribe a worth to it, a submissive is worthless until she is found precious by her Master choosing to take pleasure in her. And in that she achieves the reason for her existence... she is of service to him... because he has chosen for it to be like this, not because she has done anything.

I have no precious time at all to spend, Nor services to do, till you require.

IN WHICH SHE DISCOVERS HER LAUGH

He speaks to me 

in words and silences 

that take me places 

I have never imagined. 

Places where I am happy 

and carefree.   Places where 

I respond to his words 

without thought and without need.  

Places where there is nothing 

but his will.  

His will and my obedience, 

and my obedience is pleasure.

He teaches me the lessons he wants me to learn and I learn them well.

IN WHICH EASTER BREAKS AND D/s IS SIGHTED

I explained to the two gentlemen that I had been speaking with that my heart, and my submission already belonged to someone else.  I also had an intense few days with T over the Easter break... ha.  Easter BREAK, where I explained to her how things felt to me.  I don't know what is going to happen there.  I don't really know what was decided.  I honestly don't think that there was a decision made.

Things are difficult with T because we can't just go our seperate ways and let ourselves grieve.  We have a puppy who has a really bad heart problem and if she goes through the stress of pining for any of the other animals then it will kill her.  So we need to stay in the same place because of Mollie.  It is hard to grieve for the loss of a lover when you are lying curled in bed next to her.

Anyways, this is not what this entry was going to be about.  This is...

I am not really searching for a dominant. I believe in searching for self-discipline, knowledge and self-awareness. I think that this is a way to honour and serve the dominant who will (hopefully) one day take possession of me. I think it is possible to serve someone in this way, even though you may not have yet met who that person is going to be.. if this makes sense?

I believe that there is a lack of depth to be found in abundance (is a lack of abundance a possibility?) on D/s sites. This is something that exists as much with the dominants as with the submissives. I believe in honouring a higher ideal behind D/s.. almost a philosophy of service, and it is hard to do that when you are collared or otherwise attached to someone who is only wanting a toy to play with and has no vision for leading the relationship. A lot of dominants believe that there is little else to being in a D/s relationship than getting their kinks met... and a lot of submissives believe that the only way to serve someone is through meeting their kinks. I believe in true service.. in being the personification of my Master's Will and meeting his needs. All of them.

IN WHICH THINGS ARE INCREASINGLY COMPLICATED

I need to be more active in updating my journals. I know this, and I want to do this, but it is difficult to write about something that I don't have.

I have been talking to two lovely gentlemen online over the last two weeks. But it isn't going to work. Each time one of them pushes a little, gives a little direction, asks for me to bend slightly to his will my immediate response is a feeling of cheating.

I am still caught by someone else. I was stupid to think that I had escaped just because I was able to distract myself for a little while.

Oh boy, things are complicated.

IN WHICH SHE STEPS INTO VIEW

Let me start off by saying that I can now be a lot more open and vulnerable with my writing because my entries aren’t being proof-read by J anymore. He didn’t like me sharing intimate details, which I found difficult to do because I don’t really keep these blogs for an audience, I keep them to sort out my thoughts and feelings. I like being able to be totally honest here

So, now that J is more or less out of the picture, there was, of course, the ‘still be friends’ discussion, but I can’t really see that happening… I thought perhaps some back ground might be a little helpful.

Who Am I?

I know all about labels and their inaccuracy, and I don’t get caught up in them, but I find that they do give people a starting point when they are trying to get to know you.

I’m a 35 years old woman who identifies herself as being queer, and has for as long as she knew what the definition of queer was.

I call myself a lesbian, dyke, queer, and various other things but at times I find myself wondering about the accuracy of my self view.

I spent a long time on the Dominant side of the BDSM fence, and now find myself well put on the submissive side, so much so that I find I have a lot of slave like tendencies rather than submissive ones. I am very interested in the Daddydom/babygirl aspect of the lifestyle, I know that comes as a shocking surprise when you consider the title of my blog and my ID.

I am in a long term, but open (within certain boundaries) relationship with a bisexual woman who is two years my younger, sexy, intelligent, humorous and occasionally so frustrating that I could spank the arse off her. And have done. We rent a lovely house in regional NSW and share it with our 2 dogs, 3 cats and 3 ferrets. All we need is one more dog and one more lesbian and we’d have balanced numbers.

I paint, write, draw and am slowly learning to enjoy gardening. Our house has fruit trees in the back yard and I have discovered there is an amazing difference between the taste of freshly picked and sun warm fruit and what you can buy in the supermarket.

I am pierced, inked, shaved and dyed; and as someone at work keenly observed, I am trying to look different.

I work as a nurse, which I enjoy immensely except when you bring hospital and Area Health Service politics into the picture. Occasionally I get fed up with nursing and state that I wish I was a florist, but I don’t really. Really I wish I was a musician. Or an author. Or a stay-at-home mother. Perhaps a pilot. It depends on what day it is.

I am addicted and addictive.

A devout heretic and deliciously destructive.

I am the most truthful liar that you will ever meet.

Now watch as I get to be myself again.