IN WHICH SHE SEES THAT THINGS SOMETIMES JUST GO WRONG

How are we meant to respond as a slave/submissive/babygirl type when we're asked to do something and we know it's the wrong thing to be doing?

I'm not talking about the "I want you to take this gun and shoot that person" scenario that is so often the rhetoric of those who are opposed to (or who don't understand..) the ideas behind TPE.  I'm thinking about a real situation when you have been told to do something that is going to have negative consequences for not only yourself, but for your master and for the relationship between the two of you.

I used to think that I knew the answer to this question - I mean, it was easy... the relationship dynamic is based on trust and surrender on the part of the slave.  This means that even though I might not be able to see the reasoning behind a decision, I have to know that my master has the goal in mind and I have to follow.

I just have to have faith and surrender.

What I didn't really consider is that there might be times when he simply makes a poor decision about how to get to that goal, and as a consequence of that decision things fall apart.

How should I behave when I can see what the result of a decision is going to be, and I can see that its going to be bad?

I think that until now I only knew half of the answer.  Yes - this dynamic is about trust and surrender... but the aspect that I was missing is that it is also about the acceptance of consequences.

So, I have faith and I surrender.

And when things fall apart because I have obeyed his will, which is the good, right and true thing for a slave to do, I will accept the consequences of my obedience.

Sometimes the consequences are hearing the words "good girl."  And sometimes the consequences are that things just fall apart.

If things break, it doesn't necessarily mean that I failed.. sometimes things just break.

IN WHICH SHE SENDS GLITTERY LOVE TO HER SISTER

Today I saw something that was at once heartbreaking and at the same time humbling and yet so inspiring.

I have joined a Fetlife.com group, a Facebook page and a Twitter group called BabygirlsUnlocked. It has been an amazing couple of weeks since discovering this group of babygirls from all ends of the globe. I have been speaking with them and listening to them and are becoming more and more inspired by them to live an exciting and beautiful life.

Today, one of the girls in the group asked a question about what a babygirl should do if she felt wrongfully disrespected by her Daddy. I was not online when the question was asked, and in a way I am glad that I wasn't.

My initial reaction was to post something along the lines of 'well, I am a slave as well as a babygirl, so for me I am not sure that I could be wrongfully disrespected by my Daddy/Master.' Instead of tritely answering with something like that, I read the almost 30 replies to her post. These replies were not from people who just threw their answers into the fray. They were on the most part not even answers - they were questions. The other babygirls in the group, her babygirl sisters, were asking her what had happened, how did she feel, if she was alright. There was an abundance of love and comfort shown to this babygirl by her sisters. It was inspiring to see it, and it has humbled me to a place where I want to begin taking notice of my response to people. I want to stop solving and start caring. And I will do that.

The reason that it was also heartbreaking is because this lovely and vibrant babygirl seems to have lost her Daddy and not because of anything that she did wrong. Also, from the little that I could tell from the messages that she posted, her Daddy seems to have acted very unfairly. Seeing that all of this happened made me feel so stabstabstabby, and it wasn't happening to me. The babygirl responded to all of her sorrow and pain in such a respectful and gracious way that it made me want to wrap her up in a blanket and make her cups of tea, to make a safe space for her to be able to grieve and be angry if she wanted, but mostly it made me want to talk with her more in the future, to learn more about her and to learn more from her.

You, my lovely girl... my gentle beautiful sister... you are inspiring and brilliant. Thank you for that.

IN WHICH SHE ADMITS THAT SHE HASN'T BEEN HERE IN SUCH AN AWFULLY LONG TIME

I am a bad blogger.

I love using this blog and talking about my feelings about A here, but for some strange reason I procrastinate and never actually write. Well, here is another empty promise to change that and to write more often.

Anyways, a catch up to what has been happening lately - I have been able to spend a lot of wonderful time with A thanks to Skype and more importantly thanks to his graciousness in allowing me into his presence. He is an amazing man.

I didn't think that I could come to love him anymore than I did, but apparently I was wrong because I am becoming quite obsessed with thinking about him and having my mind set on what his will is. I love the feeling that I am being guided by what his will might be in situations. I love the feeling that he is with me throughout my day. What I don't love is the feeling that he isn't with me in person.

T and I have talked a little about moving to the USA so that I can be closer to A. I really don't want to live in the US, and I love living in Australia and will miss it terribly. However, the thought that I am this far away from him pains me so much that at times I can't stand it... and the idea that I am literally wasting years that we could be spending together is intolerable to me. I have known and loved A for almost 7 years now and in that time I have spent less than a month actually in his presence.

When I was talking to him on Saturday he made a joke about me telling people that 'my Daddy' had told me something, and my heart skipped when I heard him call himself my Daddy. I asked him about it (because I can never leave anything alone), and he explained that he had been joking and said that I was being unfair by pointing it out in the way that I was doing. He is right, it was terribly unfair of me.

But I wanted so desperately for him to say that he had said it because he thinks about me as being his babygirl.

IN WHICH EASTER BREAKS AND D/s IS SIGHTED

I explained to the two gentlemen that I had been speaking with that my heart, and my submission already belonged to someone else.  I also had an intense few days with T over the Easter break... ha.  Easter BREAK, where I explained to her how things felt to me.  I don't know what is going to happen there.  I don't really know what was decided.  I honestly don't think that there was a decision made.

Things are difficult with T because we can't just go our seperate ways and let ourselves grieve.  We have a puppy who has a really bad heart problem and if she goes through the stress of pining for any of the other animals then it will kill her.  So we need to stay in the same place because of Mollie.  It is hard to grieve for the loss of a lover when you are lying curled in bed next to her.

Anyways, this is not what this entry was going to be about.  This is...

I am not really searching for a dominant. I believe in searching for self-discipline, knowledge and self-awareness. I think that this is a way to honour and serve the dominant who will (hopefully) one day take possession of me. I think it is possible to serve someone in this way, even though you may not have yet met who that person is going to be.. if this makes sense?

I believe that there is a lack of depth to be found in abundance (is a lack of abundance a possibility?) on D/s sites. This is something that exists as much with the dominants as with the submissives. I believe in honouring a higher ideal behind D/s.. almost a philosophy of service, and it is hard to do that when you are collared or otherwise attached to someone who is only wanting a toy to play with and has no vision for leading the relationship. A lot of dominants believe that there is little else to being in a D/s relationship than getting their kinks met... and a lot of submissives believe that the only way to serve someone is through meeting their kinks. I believe in true service.. in being the personification of my Master's Will and meeting his needs. All of them.