IN WHICH SHE ANSWERS A QUESTION ABOUT WHY SHE IS A BABYGIRL

I have been asked a question in a comment on a previous post and wanted to write an entry in response to it. But, because I am such a bad blogger (Bad Blogger! No biscuit!) it has taken me an age to get around to posting here again, and to answering the question posed to me. The comment was posted by beautifullyhuman in response to this post about myths surrounding the babygirl dynamic.

I would like to know why do you consider yourself a baby girl, instead of a little girl, or would you consider yourself an Adult child like? Sincerely, bh

By beautifullyhuman

When I talk about myself as a babygirl I do so with a very specific definition in mind. I’ve talked about my personal definitions of different lifestyle dynamics in this post. Basically, my idea of being a babygirl has nothing really to do with regression (although, I have gone through an hypnotic age regression process which I found amazing, but perhaps more about that in another post), with episodic events of childlike behaviours (some people refer to this as being little or letting their little come out to play) or with any sort of age-play.

To me, being a babygirl is about the very sacred and primal archetype of belonging. I deeply feel that need to belong and to make myself of use. It wasn’t until about 8 years ago that I started to realise that this feeling was pointing towards the fact that I am a babygirl.

I used to chat on Yahoo.com quite often. There was a room there called ‘Women Who Want To Be Dominated’, and I used to frequent it, not as a woman who wanted to be dominted, but as a woman who wanted to dominate. Things in that room became quite strange after a while, and in an attempt to get away from it and away from that entire mainstream D/s idea, I popped into a room called ‘Daddydoms and babygirls’.

While in this room I met a number of people who were extremely enjoyable to spend time with. One of these people was A, and he and I started speaking via private message. It was amazing to be able to speak to someone who understood the higher philosophical ideas behind dominance and submission, someone who understood that part of the role of a dominant was to actually submit to these ideals, and that a master was ultimately called to master himself. The conversation progressed to a discussion about the Daddy/babygirl dynamic and what it all meant. I had never encountered it before, and was already struggling with the idea that I might just not be a dominant at all. I could look back on my life and see a pattern of wanting to serve and please – even my dominance was motivated by serving the submissive’s pleasure – now I see that this wasn’t actually dominance. After thinking for a long time about the DD/bg dynamic, and taking time to work through the stigma around incest and child abuse that the concept naturally brings to mind, I worked out that I wanted a Daddy. But, even more than wanting a Daddy was the fact that I wanted to SERVE a Daddy.

I want to be found precious and useful. I want to be humbled and realise my place as being lower than the dirt on the ground at his feet. It isn’t about diapers and pacifiers, pouting and play for me. It is about knowing my right place, and worshipping my Daddy as my Lord and Master.

IN WHICH THERE IS AN EARLY CLOSURE TO A SHORT AFFAIR

I know that I am frustrating at times.  I know that I can be hard to understand.  But I also would have thought that by telling somebody that I wasn't comfortable with sex that person might understand it meant more than being uncomfortable with just 'penis-in-vagina' sex.

I would have thought that he, more than anyone, would at least try to understand what it all meant.  But he didn't even ask about it.  I brought the topic up multiple times, trying to be defferential to what he wanted to speak about and being careful that I didn't seem like I was trying to 'top' in any way.  However, in the end I had to say something, I had to tell him that I didn't think that it was going to work and that I didn't want to be a waste of his time or energy.

I don't have a Daddy anymore.

On the positive side of the coin, though... I still have a friend (who shall now be known as J).  He and T are still getting their 'kink' on.  And we saved a gorgeous dog from being put down.

More on that later...

IN WHICH THINGS BECOME A LITTLE BIT SCARY

It is getting close to the time when Daddy will come to visit for the first time.  Well, that is not entirely true.  It will be the first time that he will come to visit as my Daddy.  To quote Debi from Grosse Point Blank, "What is this I'm feeling? Is it pain? Panic? Hunger? Am I hungry? Who's hungry?"  I'm still trying to work out what the answer to all of those would be.  I know that I'm feeling nervous, but I wouldn't say that it is panic.  Pain?  Not yet, but hopefully when Daddy visits there will be.  Hungry?  Very very.

I'm most nervous about being able to please him.  I have mentioned this on a few occasions to him and he is reassuring and tells me that he is certain that he will be pleased.  He tells me that the only thing I have to concentrate on is doing what he tells me.  I need to let myself remember that - all I have to do is what Daddy tells me, and Daddy will take care of everything else.  Daddy will take care of everything.  Daddy will take care of me.

I think that the plan is for him to come to visit before Christmas and on a day that T is working, so that we can spend the day together and then the three of us can send the evening together once T arrives home.  Daddy with his two girls.

Today is the 15th of December.  Tomorrow I am working.  The 20th and 21st are a weekend.  T and I are leaving to visit family on Christmas Eve.  This leaves 5 days for him to visit.  And it is going to possibly happen at some stage in the next 10 days.

Oh my.

And there's the panic.

IN WHICH THE IDEA IS RAISED

I have met my Daddy.

T has known him for a long while and I have been watching on as they built and maintained a trusting and functional Dominant and submissive relationship.  Sometimes watching with jealousy, and sometimes with desire… but always watching and even worse than that, always wishing.

After visiting the new addition to our family at the end of October, T and I were on the train back home. 

“When he said that he would spank you, he wasn’t meaning in a casual way.”  She said, starting the conversation out of the blue.  I immediately knew who, what, where and when she was talking about. 

He had come to visit a couple of days earlier to gift T with Birthday Spankings, after which he jokingly called out “Next?!” as he returned to the lounge-room where I had sat listening to all of the delicious abuse that T was being subjected to.  I laughed and immediately regretted not dropping my pink cotton panties right then and there for him.

“I know that he didn’t mean a casual spanking… but…” But?  But what?  Isn’t this what I wanted?  Isn’t this what I had been waiting for, wishing that it would happen for me?

A long discussion followed about what I wanted, what he wanted, what T wanted and how we would all go about getting it.  It was decided that he and I needed to talk.  But who would initiate the conversation? 

As a slave I don’t think that it is within my place to initiate a conversation with a Dominant, especially a conversation that is being started with a particular motivation in mind.  I believe that to do this is to try and enforce my will onto that Dominant.  This is something that you can step around when you are looking at a conversation with a Dominant who you are not involved with, but when it is your Master (or someone who is showing some form of interest in you) then you need to be careful that you don’t set up the wrong pathways of behaviour from word go.  I couldn’t message him as ‘just a friend’ as T suggested, because to do so would be lying to myself.  So I waited.  I realized that I hadn’t emailed him to thank him for the day spent with us on T’s birthday, so I did that, and he emailed back.  But the email was a quick response from him that didn’t seem like it was inviting further conversation.  Once again, I waited.  I tried to remind myself that I was waiting on his pleasure, but it was hard to be patient.