IN WHICH SHE SENDS GLITTERY LOVE TO HER SISTER

Today I saw something that was at once heartbreaking and at the same time humbling and yet so inspiring.

I have joined a Fetlife.com group, a Facebook page and a Twitter group called BabygirlsUnlocked. It has been an amazing couple of weeks since discovering this group of babygirls from all ends of the globe. I have been speaking with them and listening to them and are becoming more and more inspired by them to live an exciting and beautiful life.

Today, one of the girls in the group asked a question about what a babygirl should do if she felt wrongfully disrespected by her Daddy. I was not online when the question was asked, and in a way I am glad that I wasn't.

My initial reaction was to post something along the lines of 'well, I am a slave as well as a babygirl, so for me I am not sure that I could be wrongfully disrespected by my Daddy/Master.' Instead of tritely answering with something like that, I read the almost 30 replies to her post. These replies were not from people who just threw their answers into the fray. They were on the most part not even answers - they were questions. The other babygirls in the group, her babygirl sisters, were asking her what had happened, how did she feel, if she was alright. There was an abundance of love and comfort shown to this babygirl by her sisters. It was inspiring to see it, and it has humbled me to a place where I want to begin taking notice of my response to people. I want to stop solving and start caring. And I will do that.

The reason that it was also heartbreaking is because this lovely and vibrant babygirl seems to have lost her Daddy and not because of anything that she did wrong. Also, from the little that I could tell from the messages that she posted, her Daddy seems to have acted very unfairly. Seeing that all of this happened made me feel so stabstabstabby, and it wasn't happening to me. The babygirl responded to all of her sorrow and pain in such a respectful and gracious way that it made me want to wrap her up in a blanket and make her cups of tea, to make a safe space for her to be able to grieve and be angry if she wanted, but mostly it made me want to talk with her more in the future, to learn more about her and to learn more from her.

You, my lovely girl... my gentle beautiful sister... you are inspiring and brilliant. Thank you for that.

IN WHICH SHE PONDERS THE CHANGES SHE IS GOING THROUGH

I am working on myself. With the help of A, I am becoming a more attentive person, a calmer person, someone who is more centered and less afraid and who is happier and excited about life.

A is interested and involved in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP). Google it, it is fascinating. When he was first speaking to me about it I had doubts. I was concerned that it was hokum. I was worried that it was some strange new-age rubbish. And I was confused as to how the wisest and most intelligent person I have ever known would fall for something so obviously rubbish. But, at the same time, because I know A, I trusted him. I knew that it was my understanding of the situation that was wrong... and it turned out that I was right. Not about the hokum, but about my misunderstanding.

NLP works.

I have seen over and over again in my life changes that I have been able to make with NLP. It has helped me find resources that I never realised were at my disposal. It has almost cured me of a phobia that I have suffered with ever since being a child. It has helped me find that sense of wonder and excitement that I knew when I was young. It has taught me how to sleep. It has helped me be less anxious and less depressed. It has taught me to be amazing!

I am becoming a different person. And I really really like the person that I am becoming. It has been a long long time since I liked the person that I am.

I can't even communicate how thankful I am to the people who created and have worked on NLP.

And to the amazing man who realised its truth and showed it to me.

Thank you, A. Once again you have saved me in ways that you will possibly never know.

IN WHICH SHE ADMITS THAT SHE HASN'T BEEN HERE IN SUCH AN AWFULLY LONG TIME

I am a bad blogger.

I love using this blog and talking about my feelings about A here, but for some strange reason I procrastinate and never actually write. Well, here is another empty promise to change that and to write more often.

Anyways, a catch up to what has been happening lately - I have been able to spend a lot of wonderful time with A thanks to Skype and more importantly thanks to his graciousness in allowing me into his presence. He is an amazing man.

I didn't think that I could come to love him anymore than I did, but apparently I was wrong because I am becoming quite obsessed with thinking about him and having my mind set on what his will is. I love the feeling that I am being guided by what his will might be in situations. I love the feeling that he is with me throughout my day. What I don't love is the feeling that he isn't with me in person.

T and I have talked a little about moving to the USA so that I can be closer to A. I really don't want to live in the US, and I love living in Australia and will miss it terribly. However, the thought that I am this far away from him pains me so much that at times I can't stand it... and the idea that I am literally wasting years that we could be spending together is intolerable to me. I have known and loved A for almost 7 years now and in that time I have spent less than a month actually in his presence.

When I was talking to him on Saturday he made a joke about me telling people that 'my Daddy' had told me something, and my heart skipped when I heard him call himself my Daddy. I asked him about it (because I can never leave anything alone), and he explained that he had been joking and said that I was being unfair by pointing it out in the way that I was doing. He is right, it was terribly unfair of me.

But I wanted so desperately for him to say that he had said it because he thinks about me as being his babygirl.

IN WHICH SHE IS ALLOWED TO SHOW INTELLIGENCE IN NEW AREAS

I am back from the USA. Back from Connecticut, and back from my visit with A.

It was both wonderful and confusing at the same time. And disappointing. Let me start backwards.

T and I arrived in the USA and straight away started coughing and sneezing with what we thought was just bad colds. However we were aware that having just spent 30-odd hours on public transport and traversing half of the globe, that there was a possibility that it could be the influenza H1N1 strain. So, on the day that I was meant to go and begin my visit I lay coughing and gagging (not in a fun way) on the wrong bed in the wrong state, speaking to him on the phone and trying to explain that I didn’t think I was well enough to visit.

The message that he received was that I didn’t want to visit and was unsure of our relationship after our last in depth conversation about Queer issues and his thoughts on Homosexuality and Lesbianism. It took much convincing to assure him that this wasn’t the case. Although at one point he asked me how I felt about him now that he had told me his thoughts, and I do have to admit that every time I think about it I feel angry with him. Even now.

After about three days of coughing, gagging, and phone calls (again… none of these were of the fun sort), we decided that I was well enough to come and visit. So he came to pick me up at T’s house. T and her mother had gone to visit other members of the family, so this time I was allowed to be alone when he picked me up. It was wonderful. There were long, bone-squeezing hugs and lots of smiling, and yet something was missing. I don’t know if it was because I had been ill and he was being careful, but it felt like that *click* that had been in place the first time we spent time together was missing.

We spent the bulk of time at his house. There was a little bit of gentle play, with him laying next to me and talking me to an orgasm – he did that twice, and it was wonderful, but it still felt like there was a barrier between us. There had been no smooches at all, because I had an awful cough, and perhaps that is what I keep feeling was missing. We watched a great deal of television together, which included snuggling up with him on the sofa. We ate out a couple of times – just visiting diners, which I love (we don’t have them here), but he told me on the last night that he wished we’d been able to go somewhere nice. I wish that as well, because it would have given me a chance to dress up for him.

After he dropped me back at T’s – for her birthday and Halloween, and TH’s visit, I was able to meet him again in the city. We (A, T, TH and I) went to the Guggenheim to see the Kandinsky exhibit. Things were a little awkward at first, TH was in a strange mood the entire time that he was in NY with T and I, but in the end I decided that I was just going to relax and enjoy the day. It was amazing. I finally was able to see some of the artworks that I’ve worshipped for years, and was able to share them with the person that I’ve worshipped for years. There were fun moments where we would be talking about Kandinsky’s work and then turn on the taped exhibition guide to hear her say the same things that I had just pointed out to A. I enjoyed being able to show him that I was intelligent in a new way.

At the end of the day we went to Build-A-Bear, which has become somewhat of a tradition, if you can call something that has happened two out of two occasions a tradition. And then the four of us went out to dinner.

We said good-bye at Grand Central Station, and it felt as though there should have been some sort of melancholy piano soundtrack in the background. I hugged him tightly and he gave me a quick kiss (T and TH decided not to make themselves scarce at this point, and things were feeling awkward again), and then he was off to catch his train. It was hard not to follow him and to catch the Q back to Brooklyn.

I called him to make sure that he got home alright, and he said that it felt strange not having me in his house.

It feels strange not being there.

IN WHICH THINGS ARE INCREASINGLY COMPLICATED

I need to be more active in updating my journals. I know this, and I want to do this, but it is difficult to write about something that I don't have.

I have been talking to two lovely gentlemen online over the last two weeks. But it isn't going to work. Each time one of them pushes a little, gives a little direction, asks for me to bend slightly to his will my immediate response is a feeling of cheating.

I am still caught by someone else. I was stupid to think that I had escaped just because I was able to distract myself for a little while.

Oh boy, things are complicated.

IN WHICH DADDY'S GIRL FEELS DISHONEST

I felt dishonest.

There was nothing intimate between A and I, although there had been a long while ago. We were close friends and had discussed things thoroughly, with us both deciding that there was no option for us to be anything more than friends. However, for some reason I still felt as though I was lying by omission having not told A about Daddy.

I explained this to Daddy and told him that I didn’t feel that I could really call him my Daddy honestly until I had talked to A about it all.

His answer was to tell me that he understood.

I really wasn’t expecting that.