IN WHICH SHE TALKS ABOUT HER FEAR OF SUBMITTING

I'm an extremely self-disciplined person.  I've had to be.  Not only have I developed this self-discipline as a means to prepare myself to serve, but it's been a resource that I've been able to rely on to keep me sane and focused during the long long time since I've had a daddy.

Now I find myself in a strange position where the thought of surrendering that control really is quite terrifying.

If I hand over my hard won self-control to a dominant, then everything about me could fall to pieces in a heartbeat, meaning that I would no longer have the ability to serve.  If I didn't have the ability to serve my dominant, then not only have I failed in what I'm trying to do for him, but I wouldn't be useful at all.  If I don't have a purpose and I can't serve and be useful, then why would my dominant want to own me?  And if my dominant didn't want to own me, then that leaves me in a precarious position where I have no control over myself because I've surrendered it, and no dominant to lend me focus and structure, to give me purpose, to find me useful.  It would leave me having given up control over myself, looking to where he is standing for some sort of focus and finding that he has left.

So, I suppose the question stands... how do you surrender all control to someone without falling apart?

IN WHICH SHE PONDERS THE CHANGES SHE IS GOING THROUGH

I am working on myself. With the help of A, I am becoming a more attentive person, a calmer person, someone who is more centered and less afraid and who is happier and excited about life.

A is interested and involved in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP). Google it, it is fascinating. When he was first speaking to me about it I had doubts. I was concerned that it was hokum. I was worried that it was some strange new-age rubbish. And I was confused as to how the wisest and most intelligent person I have ever known would fall for something so obviously rubbish. But, at the same time, because I know A, I trusted him. I knew that it was my understanding of the situation that was wrong... and it turned out that I was right. Not about the hokum, but about my misunderstanding.

NLP works.

I have seen over and over again in my life changes that I have been able to make with NLP. It has helped me find resources that I never realised were at my disposal. It has almost cured me of a phobia that I have suffered with ever since being a child. It has helped me find that sense of wonder and excitement that I knew when I was young. It has taught me how to sleep. It has helped me be less anxious and less depressed. It has taught me to be amazing!

I am becoming a different person. And I really really like the person that I am becoming. It has been a long long time since I liked the person that I am.

I can't even communicate how thankful I am to the people who created and have worked on NLP.

And to the amazing man who realised its truth and showed it to me.

Thank you, A. Once again you have saved me in ways that you will possibly never know.

IN WHICH SHE IS NERVOUS AND PONDERS THE PLURAL FORM OF UTERUS

I'm more than a little nervous about things at the moment.

T and I are going to the US to visit her family for 3 weeks. She saw her mother when she visited us here last year, but other than that it has been 3 years since she has seen her sisters or her wider family, and they are all very close.

While she is going to go and visit her sisters, I am going to go and visit A.

That is why I'm nervous. Terribly nervous.

I have met him in person before. I can't remember whether I have mention this in previous posts, and honestly, seeing as it is almost 5am and I am still awake I really can't be bothered going and looking to see if I have. Bad blogger. No biscuit.

I stayed with him for about 10 days. It was wonderful. And frustrating. It has been a LONG time since I wanted to be fucked that badly. And I didn't get fucked. There was one amazing session of spanking and paddling. There was a lot of cuddling and smooches. There was almost an argument. There was an embarrassingly snarky comment made by me at one stage, which I am ashamed that I made and I totally acknowledge that it was me throwing a bit of a snit because I wanted something that I wasn't getting. Not very submissive, I know.

Anyways, things have changed between us since I saw him last. Not the least of these changes being the plan to come back from the US with a tiny little zygote in at least one of our uteruses. Uterii? What is the plural of 'uterus'?

So, I don't know how things are going to go when I spend time with him. I have asked, and he says mysterious things that fill me with dread and excitement. He says that he has plans for me and makes me imagine being bound and gagged, beaten and fucked.

Honestly, I don't know if I want that. I'm scared of what happens when that appetite is woken up again. I'm comfortable with my chastity and am finally enjoying it. And I know that it will be a hard thing to go back to after being used by him.

IN WHICH EASTER BREAKS AND D/s IS SIGHTED

I explained to the two gentlemen that I had been speaking with that my heart, and my submission already belonged to someone else.  I also had an intense few days with T over the Easter break... ha.  Easter BREAK, where I explained to her how things felt to me.  I don't know what is going to happen there.  I don't really know what was decided.  I honestly don't think that there was a decision made.

Things are difficult with T because we can't just go our seperate ways and let ourselves grieve.  We have a puppy who has a really bad heart problem and if she goes through the stress of pining for any of the other animals then it will kill her.  So we need to stay in the same place because of Mollie.  It is hard to grieve for the loss of a lover when you are lying curled in bed next to her.

Anyways, this is not what this entry was going to be about.  This is...

I am not really searching for a dominant. I believe in searching for self-discipline, knowledge and self-awareness. I think that this is a way to honour and serve the dominant who will (hopefully) one day take possession of me. I think it is possible to serve someone in this way, even though you may not have yet met who that person is going to be.. if this makes sense?

I believe that there is a lack of depth to be found in abundance (is a lack of abundance a possibility?) on D/s sites. This is something that exists as much with the dominants as with the submissives. I believe in honouring a higher ideal behind D/s.. almost a philosophy of service, and it is hard to do that when you are collared or otherwise attached to someone who is only wanting a toy to play with and has no vision for leading the relationship. A lot of dominants believe that there is little else to being in a D/s relationship than getting their kinks met... and a lot of submissives believe that the only way to serve someone is through meeting their kinks. I believe in true service.. in being the personification of my Master's Will and meeting his needs. All of them.

IN WHICH THINGS BECOME A LITTLE BIT SCARY

It is getting close to the time when Daddy will come to visit for the first time.  Well, that is not entirely true.  It will be the first time that he will come to visit as my Daddy.  To quote Debi from Grosse Point Blank, "What is this I'm feeling? Is it pain? Panic? Hunger? Am I hungry? Who's hungry?"  I'm still trying to work out what the answer to all of those would be.  I know that I'm feeling nervous, but I wouldn't say that it is panic.  Pain?  Not yet, but hopefully when Daddy visits there will be.  Hungry?  Very very.

I'm most nervous about being able to please him.  I have mentioned this on a few occasions to him and he is reassuring and tells me that he is certain that he will be pleased.  He tells me that the only thing I have to concentrate on is doing what he tells me.  I need to let myself remember that - all I have to do is what Daddy tells me, and Daddy will take care of everything else.  Daddy will take care of everything.  Daddy will take care of me.

I think that the plan is for him to come to visit before Christmas and on a day that T is working, so that we can spend the day together and then the three of us can send the evening together once T arrives home.  Daddy with his two girls.

Today is the 15th of December.  Tomorrow I am working.  The 20th and 21st are a weekend.  T and I are leaving to visit family on Christmas Eve.  This leaves 5 days for him to visit.  And it is going to possibly happen at some stage in the next 10 days.

Oh my.

And there's the panic.